Avatar Outtakes
by SparklyTree3876
Summary: What really went on behind the scenes during the filming of Avatar? Let's look at the wacky mishaps the cast experienced and the pranks they played on each other.
1. Chapter 1

Avatar Outtakes  
By SparklyTree3876

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Humor

Pairings: Jake/Neytiri and Norm/Trudy

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. I'd like to present my first Avatar fic. It consists of outtakes that occurred during filming. I want to let you know that I've never done humor before. I've always been big on romance, action, and adventure. I find humor challenging to do because you want to stay close to the source material while adding new stuff. I hope you enjoy this fic. Constructive criticism is welcome and encouraged.

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Outtake #1

Neytiri aims her arrow at Jake with much determination. Suddenly, a blur races past her, which confuses her. It goes by her again, and its source appears in front of her. It's a man with tall blond hair and sunglasses. He is wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. It's Johnny Bravo, and he raises an eyebrow.

Director: Cut! What in the hell just happened here?

Neytiri lowers her bow as she stares Johnny in the eye. She feels very annoyed by him. Johnny strikes a pose and shows off his muscles.

Johnny: Hey there, lady.

Neytiri: Who are you? What do you think you're doing here?

Johnny: The name's Johnny Bravo. You're looking mighty pretty.

Neytiri: (hisses) Well, leave! You're not a part of this movie!

Johnny: (dumbly) Which movie is that?

Neytiri stands up to her full height of nine feet. Johnny doesn't seem to be intimidated by her at all.

Neytiri: It's called _Avatar._ Now, go. We're trying to finish filming this scene.

Johnny: I'm not in the movie?

Neytiri: (rolls her eyes) No, you're not in the movie!

Johnny: (even more dumbly) Which movie is that?

Neytiri puts her hand on her forehead, groaning in irritation. The director stomps onto the set with the script in his hands. He comes within inches of Johnny's face.

Director: It's called _Avatar,_ you idiot. Now, leave! You don't belong here!

Johnny: There has to be a place where I, Johnny Bravo, make an entrance.

Neytiri: (growls) There isn't! Get out of here! You're ruining everything!

Johnny: (looks at Neytiri dreamily) Say, foxy lady. You want to go out with me? I bet we'd be great for each other.

Neytiri turns furious and slaps Johnny in the back of his head, and he lands flat on his face. She grabs his shirt and throws him off the set. Johnny hits the floor on his side. Two security personnel drag him away. They throw him out the door, laughing when he collides with the sidewalk face first. Neytiri crosses her arms in satisfaction.

Neytiri: That got rid of the buffoon.

Director: All right, let's take it back from the top!

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Outtake #2

Grace follows Selfridge to the hologram monitoring the mining site. They argue about how to handle relations with the Na'vi. People work at their respective computers.

Selfridge: We build them a school. We teach them English, but after what how many years? Relations with the indigenous are only getting worse.

Grace: Yes, that tends to happen when you use machine guns on them.

Selfridge: Right. Come here.

Selfridge heads to his office with Grace right behind him. As he crosses the doorway, he unknowingly cuts an invisible laser. The back wall's middle section opens up and throws out a water balloon, hitting him in the chest. Water goes everywhere with some getting on Grace.

Director: Cut!

Selfridge spits water out of his mouth and grabs his hair, clenching his teeth. He glares at Grace when she laughs at him.

Grace: It looks like you have a sweating problem, Parker.

Selfridge: (growls) Shut up, Grace!

Grace: Still, you look cute when you're all wet.

Selfridge: (narrows his eyes) Oh, you want cute?

Selfridge goes behind the set and returns with a heavy bucket. He throws water all over Grace, drenching her completely. He sets the bucket down and laughs as she narrows her eyes at him.

Selfridge: (smirks) Now, that's cute!

Grace: (in mock anger) Oh, you're going to get it, Parker!

Selfridge blows a raspberry and runs behind the set with Grace on his tail. Some of the crew members try to stifle snickers, but they're having a hard time.

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Outtake #3

Jake watches the video of himself destroying the bulldozer's camera. Quaritch stops it and looks at him. Norm, Grace, and Selfridge are nearby.

Quaritch: You let me down, son.

Quaritch comes down to Jake's level, his face cold and hard. He narrows his eyes at him and tilts his head to the right.

Quaritch: So, you find yourself some local tail and just completely forget what team you're playing for?

Jake stares at Quaritch in much defiance. Grace glances toward Selfridge with a pleading expression in her eyes.

Grace: Parker, there's still time to salvage the situation.

Quaritch: Shut your pie hole.

Grace: Or what, Ranger Rick? You going to shoot me?

Quaritch: (smirks) I can do that.

Quaritch reaches underneath the computer and pulls out a water gun. He squirts Grace with it, drenching her shirt. He smirks again as she looks at him in irritation.

Quaritch: You asked if I was going to shoot you. I just did.

Grace: Oh, you're going to pay for that!

Grace reaches underneath her shirt and pulls out a gun, shooting water in Quaritch's face. Quaritch holds up his arms to shield himself. He spits water out of his mouth as Grace giggles.

Grace: You know what they say, 'Always expect the unexpected.'

Quaritch: Why, you!

Quaritch aims at Grace, missing when she ducks. Grace shoots at him, nailing him in the face again. Norm squirts her in the back with his own gun. He jumps out of the way, as she goes after him. He grabs some guns and looks at Selfridge and Jake.

Norm: (tosses the guns) Catch, guys!

Jake and Selfridge catch the guns and squirt Norm with them. Norm shoots water at them and rushes out of the room when they aim at him. Jake and Selfridge are right behind him. Quaritch and Grace go after them, only to stop in their tracks when water hits them in their backs. They glance over their shoulders to see Trudy, who has guns in her hands.

Trudy: (giggles) You guys aren't the only ones with water guns!

Quaritch: Take this, traitor!

Quaritch shoots at Trudy, who dives for the floor. He and Grace chase after her as she runs away. The director hits himself in the forehead with the script.

Director: (irritatingly) We're going to be here all night!

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Outtake #4

Trudy flies _Rogue One_ over a huge lake. Grace points out a sturmbeest herd standing on the shore and drinking water.

Grace: Look down there. There's a bull, a dozen cows, and some juveniles.

A sturmbeest raises its head and bellows to the sky. Trudy flies the Samson downward as a series of waterfalls come into view. She pulls back on the yoke to level it out over a large pool of water. Jake hangs outside a little bit with Norm right behind him.

Jake: (excitedly) Whoo!

Suddenly, Jake loses his balance and plummets toward the water. Norm catches his arm and tries to pull him back in. He slips, and they fall out screaming. They hit the water with a big splash. Grace laughs as they surface.

Grace: It looks like you two wanted to go for a swim!

Norm: (sarcastically) That's real funny, Grace!

Trudy: I've got an idea, Grace. Why don't you join them?

Trudy leans sharply to the right. Grace tumbles out and hits the water with a splash that's even bigger than Jake and Norm's was. Trudy and Lyle laugh at seeing her break the surface.

Lyle: (shouts) I hope you had a nice trip, Doc!

Trudy: (squeals) We'll see you next fall!

Grace glares at the two as they fly away. She shifts her attention toward Norm and Jake, who shake their heads.

Grace: (angrily) This is all your fault!

Norm: Don't blame me! Blame Jake! He leaned outside like an idiot.

Jake: Hey, you grabbed my arm and went with me!

Norm: Only because I slipped! It's more your fault than mine!

Jake: (holds up a fist) It is not!

As Norm and Jake argue, Grace spots what resembles a shark's fin coming toward them. She gets scared and taps their shoulders. The _Jaws_ theme starts to play.

Grace: Guys—

Jake: Not now, Grace!

Norm: We're having a conversation here!

Grace: (shouts) There's a shark!

Norm and Jake see the fin and scream like scared girls. They swim quickly for shore, and Grace follows them. They run into the forest screaming, 'Shark! Shark!' The theme is playing full blast as the fin approaches a log. It abruptly ends when the fin stops moving. The 'shark' surfaces, revealing Neytiri wearing a cardboard fin on her back. Tsu'tey comes out from behind a bush and approaches her as she removes it.

Tsu'tey: Are they gone?

Neytiri: (giggles) Yes, they are. That was a great idea for a prank.

Tsu'tey: (snickers) It was the perfect way to get back at those boys for nailing the door to my trailer shut.

Neytiri: Hey, you put superglue in their chairs.

Tsu'tey: That was your idea.

Neytiri: It was not!

Tsu'tey and Neytiri argue about the superglue prank as they head into the forest. They disappear beyond the undergrowth.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the second set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only two days to get out. I'd like to thank brankel1 and Tasha Hill for being my first reviewers. I appreciate your support. As for other readers, you shouldn't hesitate to post reviews. I'd love to hear what you think of my outtakes and how I can make futures ones better. Stay tuned for the third set.

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Outtake #5

Under the Trees of Voices, Neytiri turns away from Jake with a sad expression on her face. Jake doesn't move from his spot behind her.

Neytiri: You may choose a woman.

Neytiri holds up her hands to catch a woodsprite. Jake moves closer to her, stopping within inches of her.

Neytiri: We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.

Jake: I don't want Ninat.

Neytiri smiles and blows on the woodsprite, sending it flying away. She's about to say her next line when Jake's cell phone rings. She turns around and sees him remove it from his loincloth and open it to put it to his ear.

Jake: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for a Mr. Stupidhead. First name is Ima.

Jake: Hold on a second. I'll check.

Jake places the phone at his side and turns to Neytiri and the crew. He clears his throat before licking his lips.

Jake: Is Ima Stupidhead here? Does anyone know Ima Stupidhead?

Director: We sure do!

Neytiri and the crew laugh their heads off. Jake turns angry and puts the phone to his ear, flaring his nostrils. He curls his other hand into a fist, his breathing loud and heavy.

Jake: Who in the hell is this? When I find out who you are, I'm going to rip out all your hair and use it to clean my trailer! I mean that!

Jake closes his phone and clips back it on his loincloth. He glares at the still laughing Neytiri and crew, silencing them. Neytiri puts her hands behind her back and whistles.

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Outtake #6

Quaritch takes his place on the hanger bridge. Norm, Trudy, Jake, and Grace are in position in _Rouge One_. The director leans back in his chair and places the script in his lap.

Director: Take one! Action!

The Samson lifts into the air and flies toward the forest. Quaritch draws his sidearm and pulls the trigger. Instead of a bullet, a stick protrudes from the barrel and rolls out a flag that says, 'BANG!' Quaritch looks at the sidearm in surprise.

Quaritch: What the hell? This isn't the real sidearm! It's a toy!

Cameraman: (approaches with the real sidearm) I'm sorry, sir. A crew member meant to give you this.

Quaritch: (takes the sidearm in annoyance) Thanks!

The cameraman nods and returns to behind the camera. Quaritch holds up the sidearm, aiming it at the ceiling.

Quaritch: I hope this fires well.

Cameraman: (chuckles) I think it will, sir. Then again, it could be filled with paint instead of bullets.

Quaritch: If it is, then we'll just have to have a paintball fight.

Cameraman: That'd be fun.

Quaritch: Oh, yeah. How about you be the first target?

Cameraman: I can't. I have to monitor the camera. You know that.

Quaritch: (smirks) Then we can do it during the break.

Quaritch aims the sidearm at the cameraman and imitates shooting. He puts it at his side, winking at him. The director rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

Director: Let's try this scene again!

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Outtake #7

Quaritch is back in position on the bridge, as is _Rogue One_ with Norm, Trudy, Jake, and Grace still inside. The director leans forward with seriousness on his face.

Director: Take two. Action!

The Samson lifts into the air and flies toward the forest. Quaritch draws his sidearm and pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. He tries again and can't get it to fire. He makes two more attempts, and they end in failure. He looks at it angrily, clenching his teeth.

Quaritch: This damn thing is jammed!

Quaritch throws the sidearm down in frustration, and it goes off. A blank bullet flies out and ricochets off the walls three times before it hits him in the butt. Quaritch yells in pain as he grabs his butt. He walks off the set, muttering curse words. Norm, Trudy, Jake, and Grace laugh their heads off.

Jake: I guess that sidearm wasn't jammed.

Grace: Talk about a speeding bullet.

Norm: Quaritch could use some target practice.

Trudy: (jokingly) Maybe you could be his target practice.

Norm: (waves Trudy off) That's what you think.

Grace: Then Jake can be the target practice.

Jake: Unh-unh! No way.

Grace: Come on. You'd look great with a target on your chest.

Trudy: Or butt.

Jake: How about you wear a target on your butt, Trudy?

Trudy: I can't. I'm buckled in my seat.

The group shares a laugh. The director grabs his hair and pretends to pull it out, yelling in frustration.

Director: We're going to be here for hours!

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Outtake #8

Quaritch and his men aim their weapons at Jake. Just then, Trudy arrives in _Rogue One_ and fires on them.

Trudy: (sarcastically) Oops.

Trudy fires at the Dragon again. A determined expression crosses her face. Quaritch spots her, and his confident demeanor turns angry.

Quaritch: Light her up!

The men aim their guns at Trudy and shoot. Trudy moves behind one of the rocks. She comes back out and places her finger on the trigger. Just then, a wolf-whistle comes out of nowhere. Trudy peers over her shoulder to see Johnny Bravo. Quaritch and his men spot him and let out loud groans.

Quaritch: Not again!

Trudy looks Johnny in the eye, feeling very annoyed by him. Johnny strikes a pose and shows his muscles.

Johnny: Hey there, cutie.

Trudy: Who are you? What do you think you're doing here?

Johnny: The name's Johnny Bravo. I didn't want to miss how pretty you were.

Trudy: (clenches her teeth) Well, get out of here! You're not part of this movie!

Johnny: (dumbly) Who isn't part of this movie?

Trudy: (rolls her eyes) You aren't.

Johnny: Who?

Trudy groans frustratingly and bangs her head on her gun. The director stomps onto the set with the script in his hand.

Director: Hey, you! You're the one who caused the trouble with Neytiri earlier.

Johnny: (scratches his head) Who, me? Oh, I remember that.

Trudy: (growls) You are such an idiot! Where is your brain?

Johnny: (looks at Trudy lovingly) My brain's on vacation. You want to go out with me, lady? I bet I can get you to love me.

Trudy's face turns red with anger, and she jumps out of her seat. She grabs Johnny's shirt and punches him in the face three times, breaking his sunglasses and knocking out three teeth. She throws him off the set, and he lands on his stomach. Two security personnel drag him away. Johnny reaches out, but Trudy ignores him.

Johnny: (pleads) Please, lady! Give me a chance! Our love is meant to be!

The guards throw Johnny out the door, and he collides face first with the sidewalk. They smile at their work and return to the set. Trudy crosses her arms, appearing satisfied.

Trudy: That got rid of the idiot.

Director: Okay, everyone! Let's take this back from the top!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the third set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only four days to get out. If anyone is looking for great Avatar fics, you should check out chawk1993's "Avatar: Entering a New Life" and "Chronicles of Parenthood" as well as Wombat Pestilence's "Dream of Revenge" and "Terminus." All four of them are out of this world. You won't be disappointed when you read them. Stay tuned for the fourth set.

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Outtake #9

Quaritch walks down an aisle between two groups of newcomers. His hands are at his sides and balled into fists. Four soldiers stand in front of the windows.

Quaritch: You're not in Kansas anymore. You're on Pandora, ladies and gentleman.

Voice: Oh, man! This isn't where I'm supposed to be!

Quaritch and the newcomers look over their shoulders to see a pizza deliveryman holding seven boxes. They give him strange looks.

Quaritch: What are you doing here?

Deliveryman: I'm sorry to have interrupted you, sir. I'm very new at my job, and I seem to have taken a wrong turn.

Norm: (jokingly) By three hundred million light years.

Quaritch: (chuckles) You're not kidding, geek.

The deliveryman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He looks at it for a long moment before he turns to the group.

Deliveryman: Could anyone tell me how to get to 701 Red Lake Drive in Yancy, North Carolina?

Quaritch: Say, what kind of pizzas do you have there?

Deliveryman: Cheese, sausage, pepperoni, and supreme. Why?

Quaritch: In that case, get him, everyone!

The newcomers rise from their seats and race toward the deliveryman. The deliveryman screams like a scared girl and rushes out the door with them on his tail. Sounds of yelling and punching can be heard in the distance. Four men, two women, and Norm return with the pizzas. Quaritch gets out the cokes while the soldiers bring the plates and cups.

Norm: (excitedly) It's time for a pizza party!

Everyone cheers loudly as slices of pizza are passed around. Jake arrives in his wheelchair, appearing surprised. Norm approaches him with a plate in his hand.

Jake: I didn't know there was a party going on.

Norm: There sure is! Come on, and join the fun!

Jake: Why the hell not? Last one to the cheese pizza is a rotten egg!

Norm: I bet I'll get there first.

Jake: In your dreams, nerd.

Norm: (snickers) I'm sure I look good in your dreams.

Jake: (sarcastically) Sure, you do.

Jake pushes Norm to the ground and heads toward the cheese pizza on the room's left side. Norm races after him, passing him and getting to it first. He laughs while watching him come to a stop.

Norm: I told you I'd get here first.

Jake: You were just lucky.

Norm: Luck? Ha! I don't need luck.

Jake: What you need is a shave and a haircut.

Norm: Yeah, right.

Norm and Jake get two pizza slices each. They break into a conversation along with three other people.

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Outtake #10

Neytiri draws an arrow and pulls it back on her bow, aiming it toward Jake as he turns in a circle holding a spear. She hesitates for a second, but a determined expression forms on her face. Suddenly, a woodsprite floats toward her. Instead of landing on the arrow, it lands on her nose. She feels a sneeze coming on.

Neytiri: Ah-ah-ah…

Director: (fearfully) Neytiri, don't!

Neytiri lets out a huge sneeze and accidentally loses her grip on the arrow. Jake sees it coming toward him and dives for the ground. The arrow hits the middle of a tree trunk.

Director: Cut!

Neytiri shakes her head rapidly and wiggles her nose. Jake approaches her, wiping dust from his t-shirt and arms.

Jake: You need to be careful with that thing! It almost took my head off!

Neytiri: I didn't mean to lose my grip on it. It was an accident.

Jake: (raises an eyebrow) Are you sure about that?

Neytiri: (squeals playfully) You better watch it, or you'll find one in your butt!

Jake: I'd love to see you try to put one there.

Jake tickles Neytiri's chin, making her giggle. He kisses her on the lips, pulling away before it goes any further.

Neytiri: (looks over Jake's shoulder) Hey, is that Norm back there?

Jake peers over his shoulder, but he doesn't see Norm. Neytiri smacks him in the back of his head and runs off giggling. Jake chases after her, laughing cheerfully.

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Outtake #11

Jake and Neytiri move toward the Banshee Rookery carefully. Tsu'tey and the hunters are close behind them. They stop to watch the banshees, of which some take off while others call to the sky.

Neytiri: Now, you choose your ikran. With this, you must feel inside. If he chooses you, move quick like I showed you. You have one chance, Jake.

Jake: How will I know he chooses me?

Neytiri: He will try to kill you.

Jake: (sarcastically) Outstanding.

Jake approaches the banshees and gets out his catcher. He's about to go toward a fine-looking one when his cell phone rings. He removes it from his loincloth and flips it open, putting it to his ear.

Jake: Hello?

Voice: Is Maya there?

Jake: Maya who?

Voice: Maya. Last name is Headisempty.

Jake: Hold on. I'll check.

Jake takes the phone away from his ear and looks at Neytiri, Tsu'tey, and the hunters. He lowers his ears while putting his other hand on it.

Jake: Is Maya Headisempty here? Is anyone aware that Maya Headisempty?

Tsu'tey: We've always been aware of that!

Neytiri, Tsu'tey, and the hunters howl with laughter. Jake hisses furiously and returns the phone to his ear.

Jake: You little devil! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to rip your head off and feed it to the hogs!

Jake snaps his phone shut and returns it to his loincloth. He shoots a dirty look at Tsu'tey, Neytiri, and the hunters in which they immediately stop laughing. He nods in satisfaction.

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Outtake #12

Selfridge has his arms crossed as Grace explains the biology of the forest to him. Jake, Norm, and Quaritch are nearby.

Grace: It's a global network, and the Na'vi can access it. They can upload and download data, memories at sites like the one you just destroyed.

Selfridge: (chipmunk-like voice) What the hell have you people been smoking out there?

Selfridge is surprised at what he just heard and grabs his throat. Jake, Grace, Norm, and Quaritch laugh hysterically while holding their stomachs. Selfridge starts to get angry.

Selfridge: (still high) This isn't funny, you guys!

Quaritch: (scratches his head) Have you been sucking up helium from balloons again, Parker?

Selfridge: No, I haven't!

Grace: Maybe he should suck up more helium to see how high his voice can actually go.

Jake: Either that or he could sing with Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Quaritch: He'd make a great chipmunk.

Norm: I can see him gnawing on nuts too!

Selfridge: Screw you, guys! I'm going to the kitchen for a drink of water!

Selfridge heads toward the kitchen while Quaritch goes in another direction. Jake looks at Norm and Grace and waves his hand toward himself. They huddle together.

Jake: (whispers) We got him good.

Norm: Pumping his trailer full of helium while he was asleep was the perfect way to get back at him for replacing my shampoo with honey when I was in the shower.

Grace: And for rigging my trailer to throw a pie in my face when I went in to take a nap.

Jake: Don't worry. I hid the helium tank where he can't find it.

Norm: Where?

Jake: A magician never reveals his tricks.

Grace: (ruffles Jake's hair) You little sneak.

Jake pushes Grace's hand off to the side. Norm pretends to punch him in the face. Jake acts like he is going to tweak his nose. They and Grace give each other a thumbs-up and go their separate ways.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the fourth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only four days to get out. More great Avatar fics come in the form of Xenobia's "Between Worlds" and "Tiger's Hunt." This author really knows how to pile on the detail and characterizations. You won't be disappointed when you read her fics. Stay tuned for the fifth set.

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Outtake #13

All the helicoradia surrounding Jake retreat into the ground and reveal a hammerhead titanothere. The titanothere sees him and bellows ferociously, raising its fan. Jake aims his rifle at it, seeing it step forward and let out another bellow. Norm and Grace race toward him and seek refuge behind a tree.

Grace: Don't shoot. Don't shoot. You'll piss him off.

The titanothere lowers its fan and slams its hammers against two medium-sized trees, taking them out. It stares down Jake while he keeps his rifle leveled at its head.

Jake: It's already pissed off.

Grace: Jake, that armor's too thick. Trust me.

Jake takes a step back and holds up his rifle. He aims it again when the titanothere hits two more trees with its hammers, demolishing them. The titanothere digs its foot into the ground and raises its fan.

Grace: It's a territorial threat display. Do not run, or he'll charge.

Jake: What do I do, dance with it?

Norm: Hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Norm comes out from behind the tree and heads toward the titanothere. The titanothere doesn't notice him.

Norm: (waves his arms) Hey, over there!

The titanothere ignores Norm, who becomes aggravated and whistles loudly. It turns its attention toward him.

Norm: What do you think of this?

Norm performs a step-touch dance and twirls around. He moves his arms up and down as he goes backward. The titanothere tilts its head slightly to the right, looking very curious. Norm turns sideways and does the moonwalk. The titanothere begins to imitate his moves. Norm claps his hands, his face turning cheerful.

Norm: (shakes his butt) Come on. Shake your booty!

The titanothere shakes its butt, snorting in enjoyment. Norm performs the robot as the rest of the herd joins in. Jake scratches his head with a chuckle. He takes a deep breath.

Jake: He's such a big goofball.

Grace: A fun goofball, that is. Come on! Let's have some fun!

Grace grabs Jake's hand and pulls him toward Norm and the herd. Jake looks into the camera and shrugs his shoulders.

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Outtake #14

Under the Tree of Voices, Neytiri turns away from Jake with a sad expression on her face. Jake doesn't move from his spot behind her.

Neytiri: You may choose a woman.

Neytiri holds up her hands to catch a woodsprite. Jake moves closer to her, stopping within inches of her.

Neytiri: We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.

Jake: I don't want Ninat.

Neytiri smiles and blows on the woodsprite, sending it flying away. Jake doesn't move from his spot.

Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.

Jake: Yes, she is a good hunter.

Neytiri looks to her left and giggles to herself. She laughs hysterically seconds later and falls to her knees. She grabs her stomach in an effort to contain it, but it doesn't work. Jake feels very confused.

Jake: What's so funny?

Neytiri: Tsu'tey is making faces at me!

Jake looks to his left and sees Tsu'tey, who has his fingers at the corners of his eyes and his tongue sticking out. He picks up a rock and throws it, nailing him in the forehead. Tsu'tey stumbles backward and falls on his butt. Jake laughs, holding up his fist.

Jake: Yes! I got a spare!

Tsu'tey gets up and stumbles backward, but he maintains his balance. Neytiri's laughter had quieted down. She rises to her feet, crossing her arms. Her ears and tail twitch somewhat.

Neytiri: Getting a little clumsy, aren't you, Tsu'tey?

Tsu'tey: Oh, shut up, Neytiri.

Neytiri: No, you shut up.

Tsu'tey: You shut up.

Neytiri: You shut up.

Tsu'tey blows a raspberry at Neytiri, who mimics him. Jake approaches him, rubbing his chin with a smile.

Jake: You know, Tsu'tey. You could use a haircut. Your hair is getting a little long by the looks of it.

Tsu'tey: (menacingly) How about I give you a haircut, Jake?

Tsu'tey pulls a pair of scissors out of a pouch on his loincloth. He approaches Jake with a sinister smile on his face. He opens and closes them repeatedly. Jake backs away, chuckling nervously.

Jake: (swallows hard) Tsu'tey, you can't be serious.

Tsu'tey: I am serious. Now, come here!

Tsu'tey jumps at Jake with a yell, missing when he moves off to the right. He chases him around the tree. Neytiri resumes laughing her head off. The director hits himself in the temples with his fists.

Director: I swear, I'm going to quit!

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Outtake #15

Quaritch, Jake, and Grace stand on the set with their arms crossed. They tap their fingers against their elbows. The director looks at his watch and sighs impatiently.

Director: Damn it. Where are Norm and Trudy? They were supposed to be here ten minutes ago!

Grace: Don't worry, sir. I'm sure they'll be here any minute.

Jake: (looks up at Quaritch) Maybe they decided this movie wasn't worth making.

Quaritch: (furrows his brow) Either that or Parker put itching powder in their clothes again.

Jake chuckles, only to stop when Grace smacks him on the shoulder. The director growls and throws the script down with much aggravation. The script lands on the floor with such force that the pages jump.

Director: That's it! Someone needs to find them now!

Grace: I'll go find them.

Jake: I'll go with you.

Quaritch: Me too. I want to see what they've gotten themselves into this time.

Jake, Grace, and Quaritch head outside the studio toward Norm's trailer. Grace turns the doorknob and opens the door carefully. Her jaw drops at the sight of Norm and Trudy making out on the couch, as do those of her companions. Norm's belt is unbuckled and his pants unzipped, and Trudy's shirt is on the floor. His hands are on her butt, and hers are in his pants. They look at Jake, Grace, and Quaritch in shock. They scream and scramble for their clothes frantically.

Norm: (hisses) What in the hell are you guys doing here?

Trudy: (furiously) Did your mothers ever teach you it was rude to walk in without knocking?

Grace: I'm sorry, Trudy, but you and Norm were supposed to be on the set ten minutes ago. The director is angry that you didn't show up.

Quaritch: Who would've thought you two were in here getting it on?

Jake: I'll say.

Norm and Trudy roll their eyes and shake their heads. Quaritch lets out a wolf-whistle and smiles at Trudy.

Quaritch: I have to say you're smoking hot, Trudy.

Jake: I think she'd look even better with nothing on.

Trudy: Why don't you three look at this?

Norm and Trudy start throwing things at the trio. Jake, Grace, and Quaritch hold up their arms to shield themselves. An alarm clock hits Jake in the head, and he falls out of his wheelchair. A goofy smile appears on his face.

Grace: I think we better get out of here.

Quaritch: Good idea.

Grace and Quaritch grab Jake's arms and leave the doorway very quickly. Norm gets up and goes toward the door, closing it.

Trudy: Thank God, they're gone.

Norm: You're telling me. There's nothing worse than someone walking in on you making out with your significant other.

Trudy: Or when you shower.

Norm: (smiles) Can I watch you shower?

Trudy: (narrows her eyes) Don't push it.

Norm holds up his hands with a nervous chuckle. Trudy gets up and approaches him, furrowing her brow. She grabs his shirt collar and pulls him back toward the couch.

Trudy: (seductively) Since they're gone, we can get back to what we were doing.

Norm: (chuckles) I'm all for that.

Trudy giggles and lies back down on the couch, pulling Norm on top of her. They resume their make out session.

00000

Outtake #16

Jake balances on his wheelchair's back wheels with a small glass of whiskey on his forehead in the bar. His friends are cheering him on. Some bang the edges of their pool sticks on the floor.

Crowd: (chants) Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake takes the glass off his forehead drinks the whiskey. Suddenly, his wheelchair starts tipping backward. He tries to regain control of it, but it crashes to the floor. He falls out of it and grabs his head, groaning loudly. Two men approach him. The first man sets the wheelchair back up while the second gets Jake back in it. They move back a little bit.

Man #1: You okay?

Jake: Yeah. I didn't mean for that to happen.

Man #2: Ah, don't sweat it. At least you didn't have a bunch of bricks fall on you.

A load of bricks falls on both men, burying them. The crowd roars with laughter, as does Jake. The men manage to dig their way out, not noticing stars flying around their heads. They leave the set, muttering inaudible words. Jake looks toward the rafters and sees Norm and Selfridge, who are holding a pair of garden shears. He gives them a thumbs-up, and they return the gesture. Norm and Selfridge turn to each other, smiling widely.

Norm: They didn't suspect a thing.

Selfridge: You're telling me. I would've loved to see the looks on those men's faces when those bricks landed on them.

Norm: (chuckles) It would've been ever better to see birds flying around their heads!

Selfridge: Oh, I agree!

Norm: (flaps his arms) I want to fly like an eagle!

Selfridge punches Norm in the shoulder and gets a noogie from him. He pretends to tweak his nose and pull his underwear over his head. They wink at each other before they look back down.

Selfridge: We better get out of here before someone sees us.

Norm: (jokingly) Just don't lose your footing. You might end up in a glass of water.

Selfridge sticks his tongue out at Norm, who mimics him. They climb down the ladder and head to their trailers.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the fifth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only two days to get out. I want to thank Tasha Hill and brankel1 for being continuous reviewers. Your support means the world to me. As for other readers, you need not be afraid to review my outtakes. I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say about them. Stay tuned for the sixth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #17

Jake and Neytiri are chatting under the Tree of Voices. They have no idea they're being filmed.

Jake: What do you think of having a coffee break with me, Neytiri?

Neytiri: I don't know if that's a good idea, Jake. Remember the _last_ time you had coffee?

Jake: It wasn't my fault I became hyper. The barista put too much sugar in it.

Neytiri: You _did_ ask for some.

Jake: (shouts) Not enough to make me bounce off the walls!

Neytiri: I have to admit that you looked funny when you jumped from wall to wall!

Neytiri jumps around Jake and makes funny noises. Jake chuckles deviously and leaps at her, grabbing her around the waist. He unleashes a tickle attack on her sides, and she shrieks with laughter. He feels a tap on his shoulder, stopping his assault on her. They look at the cameraman.

Jake: What?

Cameraman: (irritatingly) I don't know if you two noticed, but we're rolling!

Jake and Neytiri look toward the camera. They groan loudly as they turn red with embarrassment.

00000

Outtake #18

Quaritch dons an exopack after popping his AMP suit's glass canopy off. He stares Jake down with determination. Jake unsheathes his dagger. Neytiri struggles to get free of the thanator.

Quaritch: Hey, Sully. How does it feel to betray your own race?

Jake hesitates for a moment, but he turns determined and hisses with ferocity. Quaritch narrows his eyes at him.

Quaritch: You think you're one of them? Time to wake up.

Instead of going toward the shack, Quaritch presses a button on the control panel. All of a sudden, horrible rap music starts playing from it. Jake and Neytiri cover their ears and scream in agony. They look at Quaritch, their eyes blazing with anger.

Jake: (shouts) Come on, man! Turn that shit off!

Quaritch: (chuckles) Oh, no. I like torturing you this way. In fact, I think you could use a little more.

Quaritch turns up the volume, making Jake and Neytiri scream even louder. He laughs at them. Jake snarls and jumps at him. He throws him out of the suit after undoing the harnesses. He stabs the panel with his dagger repeatedly until the music stops. He sighs in relief. So does Neytiri, who gets out from underneath the thanator. She and Jake approach Quaritch as he stands up.

Jake: What in the hell possessed you to do that? This scene was going so well.

Quaritch: I just wanted to have a little fun. That's all.

Neytiri: (unsheathes her dagger) How about this for fun?

Neytiri slips her dagger under Quaritch's belt and cuts it, causing his pants to fall down and reveal Spongebob Squarepants boxer shorts. She and Jake go into a fit of hysterical laughter. Quaritch pulls his pants back up, feeling very embarrassed.

Jake: I didn't know you liked Spongebob Squarepants, sir!

Neytiri: We should take him to Bikini Bottom to meet him!

Quaritch: Get lost, you two!

Jake and Neytiri continue laughing as Quaritch stalks off the set. The director punches himself in the face with irritation.

Director: Cut! We need to stop embarrassing everyone around her!

00000

Outtake #19

Tsu'tey jumps on a vine and climbs upward. The hunters get on two and go after him. Jake leaps on another and nearly loses his grip. He holds strong and starts his ascent. He hears a snapping sound and looks up to see the vine coming apart above him.

Jake: (fearfully) Oh, no.

Jake looks away and closes his eyes tightly as the vine breaks. He plummets toward the ground at rapid speed.

Jake: (echoes) Yah-hoo-hoo-hooey!

Jake lands on his back in a mudhole. He gets completely covered in mud. He doesn't notice stars flying around his head.

Director: Cut!

Jake grabs his head, groaning in much pain. He gets up and stumbles off to the right. He regains his balance and wipes the mud off his arms. He hears raucous laughter and looks up at Tsu'tey and the hunters.

Tsu'tey: I admit that's a good look for you, Jake!

Hunter #1: It really brings out your eyes!

Hunter #2: Yeah!

Tsu'tey and the hunters laugh even louder. Jake curls his hands into fists, growling in aggravation.

Jake: Take this, you comedians!

Jake picks up a handful of mud and throws it at Tsu'tey, nailing him in the face. He repeats both actions with the hunters, hitting them in their heads. He laughs while pointing his finger at them.

Jake: Whose eyes are being brought out now?

Tsu'tey: (menacingly) You're really going to get it now, Jake!

Tsu'tey and the hunters climb down the vines and race at Jake. They chase him to behind the set. The crew roars with laughter, only to become silent when the director gives them a stern look.

00000

Outtake #20

Selfridge has his arms crossed as Grace explains the biology of the forest to him. Jake, Norm, and Quaritch are nearby.

Grace: It's a global network, and the Na'vi can access it. They can upload and download data, memories at sites like the one you just destroyed.

Selfridge: (laughs) What the hell have you people been smoking out there? They're just goddamn trees!

Grace: (frustratingly) You need to wake up, Parker.

Parker: No, you need to wake up.

Grace: The wealth of this world isn't in the ground. It's all around us. The Na'vi know that, and they're fighting to defend it. If you want to share this world with them, you need to understand them.

Quaritch presses a few buttons on the computer. He turns to Grace with a fierce expression on his face.

Quaritch: I think we understand them just fine, thanks to Jake here. Hey, Doc. Come take a look.

Grace looks toward the computer, as do Jake and Norm. Instead of Jake's video log, they're treated to footage of Norm and Trudy dancing the funky chicken. The duo sings nonsense and twirls around while flapping their arms and clucking. Jake, Grace, Selfridge, and Quaritch laugh very hard. They turn to Norm, who appears embarrassed.

Jake: I didn't know you wanted to be a chicken, Norm.

Quaritch: We should squirt glue on him and cover him in feathers!

Grace: Great idea! Then he could go play with the other chickens!

Norm: (shouts) Put a lid on it! Besides, I don't even know how that got in there!

Jake: It doesn't matter. What it shows is you're a big chicken!

Jake folds his arms underneath his armpits and starts clucking. Grace, Selfridge, and Quaritch imitate him. Norm reaches underneath the console and pulls out a bucket. He throws feathers all over Jake, Grace, Selfridge, and Quaritch. He laughs at them.

Norm: (wiggles his eyebrows) Now, who are the real chickens?

Norm laughs even louder, holding his stomach. Grace eyes Jake, Selfridge, and Quaritch, smiling mischievously.

Grace: Let's get him, guys!

Jake, Selfridge, and Quaritch: Yeah!

Jake, Grace, Selfridge, and Quaritch race toward Norm. Norm runs out of the room, laughing in excitement. The director places the bottom of his palm against his forehead.

Director: (hisses to himself) This is going to be a long day!


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the sixth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just five days to get out. I'm thinking of doing some Avatar one shots, especially a few that focus on Jake and Neytiri. Stay tuned for the seventh set.

XXXXX

Outtake #21

All the helicoradia surrounding Jake retreat into the ground and reveal a hammerhead titanothere. The titanothere sees him and bellows ferociously, raising its fan. Jake aims his rifle at it, seeing it step forward and let out another bellow. Norm and Grace race toward him and seek refuge behind a tree.

Grace: Don't shoot. Don't shoot. You'll piss him off.

The titanothere lowers its fan and slams its hammers against two medium-sized trees, taking them out. It stares down Jake while he keeps his rifle leveled at its head.

Jake: It's already pissed off.

Grace: Jake, that armor's too thick. Trust me.

Jake takes a step back and holds up his rifle. He aims it again when the titanothere hits two more trees with its hammers, demolishing them. The titanothere digs its foot into the ground and raises its fan.

Grace: It's a territorial threat display. Do not run, or he'll charge.

Jake: What do I do, dance with it?

Grace: Just hold your ground.

Norm ducks behind the tree, appearing quite scared. The titanothere snorts and narrows its eyes. It's about to charge at Jake when his cell phone rings. Jake takes it off his belt and opens it to put it to his ear.

Jake: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Anita.

Jake: Anita who?

Voice: Last name is Brain.

Jake: Hold on. I'll see if I can find her.

Jake takes the phone away from his ear and turns to Norm and Grace, who give him weird looks. The titanothere tilts its head to the left, feeling a little curious.

Jake: I'm looking for Anita Brain. Does anyone know Anita Brain?

Norm: You've needed one for a long time, Jake!

Norm and Grace roar with hysterical laughter. The titanothere bellows in amusement and slams its foot into the ground. Jake turns furious and puts the phone to his ear, curling his other hand into a fist.

Jake: You stupid little punk! When I find out who you are, I'm going to rip your arms off and beat you senseless with them! You can count on that!

Jake snaps his phone shut and returns it to his belt. He looks sternly at the still laughing Norm and Grace, which silences them. He holds his forehead, sighing heavily.

Jake: (groans) I don't know who keeps making these stupid calls.

Norm: Don't worry about it, buddy. Someone may be just looking for attention.

Grace: (snickers) I have to admit Anita Brain was a good one!

Norm: You said it.

Jake waves Norm and Grace off, but they ignore him. Everyone returns to his or her positions to get ready for the next take.

00000

Outtake #22

Grace follows Selfridge to the hologram monitoring the mining site. They argue about how to handle relations with the Na'vi. People work at their respective computers.

Selfridge: We build them a school. We teach them English, but what after how many years? Relations with the indigenous are only getting worse.

Grace: Yes, that tends to happen when you use machine guns on them.

Selfridge: Right. Come here.

Selfridge heads to his office with Grace right behind him. He enters and picks up the unobtanium. An alarm rings loudly, and silly string shoots out from three openings in the desk. Selfridge and Grace are covered in it.

Director: Cut!

Selfridge groans while he pulls silly string from his hair and clothes. Grace brushes some off her shoulder and takes a bit out of her shirt pocket. She looks at Selfridge as she throws it on the floor.

Selfridge: (kicks the floor) I hate silly string. It gets everywhere!

Grace: Look on the bright side, Parker. You didn't get hit by a water balloon this time.

Selfridge: (rolls his eyes) Don't go there, Grace!

Grace: I can't help it. Besides, you looked so cute drenched with water.

Selfridge: Oh, you want cute, huh?

Selfridge takes some silly string from his shoulder and throws it on Grace's head. He points his finger at her and laughs. Grace stares at him, her hands curling into fists.

Selfridge: Now, that's cute!

Grace: Why, you little nerfheder! Come here!

Grace jumps at Selfridge, grabbing him in a headlock. She knocks on his head and gives him a noogie. Selfridge breaks free from her grasp and waves his hand in front of her face. He raises it high, bringing it down rapidly. Grace smacks him in the cheek. She rushes two fingers forward, but he blocks her by holding his hand sideways between his eyes. She pulls his hand down and runs behind the set with him on her tail.

00000

Outtake #23

Neytiri is squatted on the tree branch. She is supposed to be aiming her arrow at Jake, but she's talking to her agent on her cell phone instead. She's unaware she's being filmed.

Neytiri: I don't know if being in the sequel is going to be a good idea. This film has had too many mess-ups.

Agent: You've got to be, Neytiri. I can promise you'll be the star in it.

Neytiri: (sighs) I'm not sure if I can take that kind of pressure.

Agent: I can take care of that without any problem. Come on. You'll get a huge paycheck if you do.

Neytiri: Give me time to think things through. Don't call me about this for a while. It's getting on my nerves.

Agent: Sure. Bye.

Neytiri: (feels relieved) Bye.

Neytiri closes her phone and clips it on her loincloth. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disbelief.

Neytiri: I need a new agent.

Cameraman: (irritatingly) Damn it, Neytiri! Pay attention!

Neytiri looks at the camera and puts her hand over her face. Her body turns red with embarrassment.

00000

Outtake #24

In the armor bay, Quaritch talks with Jake about learning from the Na'vi in an effort to get them to cooperate. Jake listens to him closely, taking deep breaths.

Jake: Am I still with Augustine?

Quaritch: On paper. Yeah, you walk like one of her science pukes. You quack like one, but you report to me. You think you can do that for me, son?

Jake: Hell yeah, sir.

Quaritch: Well, all right then.

Quaritch presses a button. Suddenly, his AMP suit walks forward and performs a step-touch dance. It turns to the side and does the moonwalk. Jake laughs his head off.

Jake: I didn't know you could make that thing do the moonwalk!

Quaritch: I'm not! Someone rigged it!

Jake: Still, it looks pretty funny!

Quaritch: Maybe someone should make you do the moonwalk!

The suit faces Jake and does the step-touch dance again. It puts its arms in various Egyptian painting poses. Quaritch gets an uneasy feeling in his stomach. The suit turns sideways, and he unbuckles his straps and jumps out just as it starts doing backflips out of the bay. Jake and Quaritch watch it disappear and look at each other.

Jake: One thing's for sure. It's a great dancer.

Quaritch: (aggravated) Whoever rigged it is going to pay dearly!

Quaritch stalks off the set, muttering curse words. The director sighs heavily and props his head up with his elbow.

Director: This is going to be a long night. Cut! Someone needs to find that AMP suit and figure out why it's dancing all over the place!


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the seventh set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just four days to get out. I want to thank Tasha Hill and braknel1 for being continuous reviewers. Your support means the world to me. For everyone else reading, don't be afraid to review. I'd love to hear what you thought of my outtakes. Stay tuned for the eighth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #25

The hammerhead titanothere charges at Jake. Jake growls and rushes at it, screaming loudly. The titanothere screeches to a halt, bellowing in fright.

Jake: Yeah! Come on. What do you got?

The titanothere backs away, snorting and bellowing. Jake steps forward and shakes his arms, not realizing a thanator is coming up behind him.

Jake: Oh, yeah. Who's bad? That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

The thanator raises its neck armor plates and sets itself up for the pounce. The titanothere rushes back to its herd as Jake comes closer to it, showing much confidence.

Jake: Get your punk ass back to Mommy. Hey, you got nothing here! Why don't you bring back some of your friends?

Jake spins around to face the thanator, and his confidence turns to fear. The thanator lets out a loud roar and leaps over him, and he points his rifle at it. The titanotheres raise their fans at hearing its roars. They stand their ground firmly. Norm and Grace wonder what is about to happen. The thanator sniffs the air and looks toward them. It starts to approach them, causing them to back away. Norm laughs nervously and swallows hard.

Norm: I don't know why you're coming after us! The script says you should be going after Jake!

Grace: (gulps) I think he smelled those ham sandwiches we have in our pouches!

Norm: Shit! I knew it was a bad idea to bring them with us in case we were hungry!

Grace: We better give them to him now before he decides to pounce on us!

Norm: (exhales) Good idea!

Norm and Grace grab their pouches off their belts and take the ham sandwiches out. They remove the plastic wrapping and throw them to the thanator. The thanator gobbles them down quickly after the sandwiches land in front of its feet. It looks at the duo and resumes approaching them. Norm and Grace back away from it.

Grace: (frightened) Oh, no! He thinks we have more!

Norm: (stammers) Let's run for it!

Grace: Great idea. You or me first?

Norm: Me!

Norm runs away, screaming and waving his arms about. Grace shrugs her shoulders and follows him. The thanator races after them, looking eager. Jake laughs and shakes his head.

Jake: I knew those two would become thanator fodder!

Jake laughs even harder and ends up on the ground, holding his stomach. He hears growling and looks up to see another thanator looking down at him. The thanator hisses, its eyes narrowing.

Jake: Uh-oh.

The thanator raises its feet and rushes them down toward Jake, who rolls out of the way. Jake jumps to his feet and runs off. The thanator chases after him with a fierce roar. The director jumps out of his seat.

Director: All right. Who let the backup thanator out of its cage? When I find out who did it, he'll be fired!

The director hears crickets chirping and glances over his shoulder to see his entire crew gone. He scratches his head, wondering where everyone went.

00000

Outtake #26

Tsu'tey shouts to the warriors who are eager to avenge the bulldozed Tree of Voices. Jake and Neytiri arrive in the crowd, holding hands. Tsu'tey turns his head and sees them.

Jake: Tsu'tey, don't do this!

Tsu'tey gets angry and hands a warrior his bow. He runs toward Jake, his lips curling into a snarl.

Tsu'tey: You!

Jake: As a brother—

Tsu'tey shoves Jake roughly, sending him falling to the ground. He stares down at him, his anger increasing. Neytiri yells at him in Na'vi and keeps him at bay.

Tsu'tey: You mated with this woman?

Grace: Oh, shit!

Mo'at approaches Neytiri as Jake stands up. She looks her in the eye, starting to become angry.

Mo'at: Is this true?

Neytiri is about to say her line when a loud belch comes out of nowhere. She, Mo'at, Tsu'tey, Jake, and Grace look at Eytukan, who has a guilty expression on his face.

Eytukan: Whoops! I guess I had too many bean burritos for lunch!

Jake: (groans) I can't believe this!

Grace: (yells) That's the third time this has happened, Eytukan!

Mo'at: Someone needs to hide those burritos!

Eytukan pats his chest and takes a deep breath. He burps again, but it's much quieter. He turns to the others, and they narrow their eyes at them.

Eytukan: I'm okay now, everyone. I'm sorry.

Mo'at: (rolls her eyes) Sure, you are.

Eytukan: (looks at Mo'at) Hey, I bet you can belch just as loud as I can.

Mo'at: Maybe I could, but I'm not the one who eats burritos like crazy!

Eytukan: I can't help it if they're so good!

Mo'at: Still, you didn't have to inhale them!

Eytukan and Mo'at get into an argument. Jake, Neytiri, Tsu'tey, and Grace glance at each other.

Tsu'tey: I think it's time for a coke break.

Jake: I agree.

Neytiri: Don't you boys start belching after you drink too much coke. There's nothing worse than hearing two guys do that at the same time.

Tsu'tey: Sure.

Jake: (gestures toward Tsu'tey) Of course, he's the bigger belcher of the two of us.

Tsu'tey: (in mock anger) I am not!

Grace: You are too!

Jake, Neytiri, Tsu'tey, and Grace walk off toward the kitchen. They start another conversation.

00000

Outtake #27

Tsu'tey laughs as Jake struggles to tame the banshee he has in his grasp. Just then, Neytiri grabs his head and plants a big kiss on his cheek. Tsu'tey looks at her in confusion.

Tsu'tey: What was that for?

Neytiri: You should look at the sign on your back.

Tsu'tey: What sign?

Neytiri reaches behind Tsu'tey and rips a piece of paper off his back. She hands it to him, giggling to herself.

Neytiri: This sign!

Tsu'tey: (reads) 'Kiss me. I'm Irish'?

Neytiri: Gotcha!

Neytiri falls on the ground and rolls around laughing her head off. Tsu'tey scoffs and runs his hand over his hair. He crossed his arms while staring at Neytiri.

Tsu'tey: It's not that funny, Neytiri!

Neytiri: Yes, it is! Besides, you'll bring me good luck!

Tsu'tey: How about this for good luck?

Tsu'tey jumps on Neytiri and unleashes a tickle attack on her. Neytiri roars with laughter, nearly losing her breath. Tsu'tey stops and gets off her, smirking at her.

Tsu'tey: That's my idea for good luck!

Neytiri: You wish.

Tsu'tey blows a raspberry at Neytiri, who punches him in the shoulder lightly. He gets a noogie from her. He retaliates with one of his own. Neytiri shakes her fists at him and pretends to punch him in the jaw. Tsu'tey mimics both of her actions. The director puts his hand over his face.

Director: I swear, it's going to take centuries to make this movie!

00000

Outtake #28

In the armor bay, Quaritch talks with Jake about learning from the Na'vi in an effort to get them to cooperate. Jake listens to him closely, taking deep breaths.

Jake: Am I still with Augustine?

Quaritch: On paper. You walk like one of her science pukes. You quack like one, but you report to me. You think you can do that for me, son?

Jake: Hell yeah, sir.

Quaritch: Well, all right then.

Quaritch is about to press a button when Jake hears his cell phone ring. Jake takes it out of his pocket and opens it, putting it to his ear.

Jake: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Mr. Tobemessy. First name is Ilove.

Jake: One second. Let me look for him.

Jake removes the phone from his ear and turns to Quaritch and the crew. He scratches his head before placing his hand on his neck.

Jake: Is Ilove Tobemessy here? Does anyone know Ilove Tobemessy?

Quaritch: Yes, we do!

Quaritch and the crew roar with laughter. Jake feels his face turn red with anger and returns the phone to his ear.

Jake: You miserable puke! When I catch you, I'm going to rip your eyes out and use them as meatballs in my spaghetti!

Jake shuts his phone closed and puts its back in his pocket. He glares at the still laughing Quaritch and crew, causing them to grow silent.

Quaritch: You think you will ever catch that guy?

Jake: I don't know. He keeps changing his name.

Quaritch: That's what prank callers do to keep from being caught.

Jake: All of the names have been so weird. I wonder what he will call himself next.

Quaritch: Beats me.

Jake rubs his chin before putting his hand on his wheelchair's arm. Quaritch takes a deep breath and moves his neck left and right three times each.

Quaritch: Keep your chin up. I'm sure he'll mess up sooner or later.

Jake: Who knows?

Quaritch shrugs his shoulders. He and Jake return to their positions to ready themselves for another take.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the eighth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just four days to get out. If anyone has ideas for outtakes, let me know. I'd love to hear what you have in mind. Stay tuned for the ninth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #29

Norm, Jake, and Grace are in a cell in the prison bay following the destruction of Hometree. They look very dejected, but the guard shows no sympathy for them. Trudy arrives at the entrance with a cart, and he presses a button. The door slides open with a hiss.

Trudy: What's going on, brother? Long time no see.

Guard: Hey.

Trudy pushes the cart inside, appearing fierce. The guard approaches her, as Norm, Jake, and Grace look toward them.

Trudy: Personally, I don't feel these tree-hugging traitors deserve steak.

Guard: They get steak? That's bullshit. Let me see.

Trudy chuckles to herself. The guard goes down to inspect the food when she pulls out her sidearm and points it at his head.

Trudy: Yeah. You know what that is. Now, go down all the way.

Norm, Jake, and Grace approach the door. Trudy forces the guard to the floor, looking determined. She hits him in the temple, knocking him out cold. Norm, Jake, and Grace smile at her and watch her slip her sidearm into her pants. Trudy looks toward the entrance.

Trudy: Max!

Max arrives at the entrance and runs very quickly inside the cell bay. He trips over his feet and collides with the cell door to the left of Norm, Grace, and Jake's. He hits his head on it and falls on his back. Trudy rushes to his side and helps him up.

Trudy: You okay?

Max: Yeah. I didn't mean to be so clumsy.

Trudy: Ah, don't sweat it. It happens to everyone.

Grace: (giggles) You looked really funny when you hit the door.

Jake: Yeah. It was like you were jumping at it.

Max: (shakes his head) I was not!

Norm: You were so!

Norm imitates jumping at the door Max collided with. Max gets irritated and reaches underneath his shirt. He pulls out a water gun and runs to the door, pushing it open. He squirts Norm with it, drenching his shirt. Norm glares at him.

Max: I guess you have a sweating problem, Norm.

Norm: Oh, you're going to get it, Max!

Norm reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun. He fires at Max, who jumps out of the way. Trudy is hit in the face, neck, and chest. Norm gulps fearfully at seeing her glare at him.

Trudy: You're going to get it, nerd!

Trudy draws a gun out of her pocket. She squirts water at Norm, who fires back. She's hit in the same areas as before. She aims at Norm, hitting him in the shoulder and stomach. She races off, and he chases after her. Max opens the cart and grabs two guns. He turns to Jake and Grace.

Max: (tosses the guns) Catch, you two!

Jake and Grace catch the guns easily and aim at Max, nailing him in the face. Max gets another gun and fires at them, scoring hits in their chests and stomachs. He runs away, and they're right on his tail. He stops for a moment to squirt them, only to be hit in the back with water. He peers over his shoulder to see Norm and Trudy.

Trudy: Gotcha, Max!

Norm: You forgot the first rule of a water gun fight. Never turn your back on an opponent!

Max: Forget this!

Max squirts Norm and Trudy, getting them in their faces. He is nailed in his own when they retaliate. Norm and Trudy rush off with him right behind them. Jake and Grace go after everyone. The director throws the script down in annoyance.

Director: I swear, I'm going insane!

00000

Outtake #30

Jake opens his link unit and sits up after he's been disconnected from his avatar. He stares Quaritch down in great anger. Quaritch doesn't move an inch and narrows his eyes at him.

Jake: Are you out of your goddamn mind?

Quaritch: You crossed the line.

Quaritch punches Jake in the face, knocking him down. He's about to say his next line when he hears his costar's cell phone ring. Jake digs into his pocket and pulls it out. He puts it to his ear after he opens it.

Jake: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for a—

Jake hears the sound of an object hitting the floor and breaking on impact. He listens to someone pick it up and looks toward the back of the set. He recognizes the voice when he catches 'Oh, great. Now, I can't disguise my voice anymore.'

Jake: Selfridge, is that you?

Selfridge: Uh-oh.

Jake: (angrily) You're the one who's been making all these prank calls on my cell phone!

Selfridge: (frightened) It wasn't my idea! Quaritch put me up to it!

Jake turns to Quaritch, who holds up his hands and shakes his head. He can tell he's being truthful and focuses his attention back on the phone.

Jake: I don't think so, Parker.

Selfridge: He did put me up to it! Honest!

Jake: (sarcastically) Yeah, and my aunt is queen of the universe. You're going to get it big time.

Jake snaps his phone shut and looks at Quaritch, who raises an eyebrow. He shoots a glance toward his wheelchair.

Jake: I'm sorry, but I need to take care of some business.

Quaritch: How about I help you?

Grace runs up to Jake and Quaritch, panting heavily. Both men eye her carefully as she catches her breath.

Grace: Don't you guys count me out of this. I need to get back at Parker for changing all the soft rock songs on my Ipod to terrible rap songs. I have those awful tunes in my head.

Jake: Okay. You can come.

Quaritch: Let's kick some ass.

Jake climbs into his wheelchair and heads behind the set with Quaritch and Grace on his tail. Sounds of yelling and punching can be heard coming from behind it. The trio comes out, looking satisfied.

Jake: That took care of him!

Grace: I hope he learned a lesson.

Quaritch: Me too.

Quaritch, Jake, and Grace chuckle and shrug their shoulders. The director puts his hand over his face, letting out a soft hiss.

Director: I need a vacation.

00000

Outtake #31

Jake is in position on the banshee. So are Tsu'tey, Neytiri, and the hunters on the outcropping. The director leans back in his chair, running his hands through his hair.

Director: Take one! Action!

The banshee starts to jump around in an effort to free itself from Jake's grasp. Neytiri gets nervous while Tsu'tey and the hunters laugh. The banshee throws Jake off it, and he goes over the cliff and grabs onto a vine. The vine breaks, and he looks toward the camera in fear.

Jake: Uh-oh.

Jake closes his eyes as he plummets toward the ground at rapid speed. He is still holding the vine in his hands.

Jake: (echoes) Yah-hoo-hoo-hooey!

Jake lands in a mudhole face first with his arms on either side of his head. He grabs his head, groaning loudly.

Director: Cut!

Jake hears laughter and looks up to see Neytiri and Tsu'tey staring down at him. He gets up, stumbling off to the right. He regains his balance before he glares at the two Na'vi.

Tsu'tey: I didn't realize you looked great in a mud mask!

Neytiri: It really does say a lot about you.

Jake: Why don't you two get out of town?

Tsu'tey: No, you get out of town!

Neytiri: Yeah!

Jake blows a raspberry at Tsu'tey and Neytiri, who mimic him. The director rolls his eyes and stares down at the floor. He focuses his attention back on the set.

Director: Let's try this scene again!

00000

Outtake #32

Jake is back in position on the banshee, as are Neytiri, Tsu'tey, and the hunters on the outcropping. The director lays his script in his lap, looking serious.

Director: Take two! Action!

The banshee starts to jump around in an effort to free itself from Jake's grasp. Neytiri gets nervous while Tsu'tey and the hunters laugh. The banshee throws Jake off it. Instead of going over the cliff, Jake lands on top of Neytiri. He looks at her sheepishly.

Jake: Sorry.

Neytiri: (grunts) Jake, would you get off? You're a little heavy.

Jake: I have a better idea. How about this?

Jake grabs Neytiri's cheeks and gives her a passionate kiss. He smiles when he hears her moan and pulls away.

Neytiri: Now, that was a kiss! Come here!

Neytiri places her hands on Jake's cheeks. She pulls him down, planting a hard kiss to his lips. They make out like crazy. They break apart when they hear a clearing throat. They glance at Tsu'tey, who snickers.

Tsu'tey: Get a room, you two.

Jake: You better watch it, Tsu'tey, or I'll throw you a rock at you!

Tsu'tey: Try me.

Jake gets off Neytiri. He picks up a rock and throws it at Tsu'tey, nailing him in the forehead. Tsu'tey falls on his back with his legs and arms spread eagle style. He has a goofy smile on his face. Jake laughs and claps his hands.

Jake: Yes! I got a strike this time!

Neytiri: Nice shot.

Jake: Thank you.

Jake helps Neytiri to her feet and kisses her on the cheek. The director yells with annoyance and hits himself in the head with the script.

Director: This is getting crazy! Cut! Someone needs to throw water on Tsu'tey!


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the ninth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just four days to get out. This is a little birthday present for myself as today is just that. As you know, I did several Bart Simpson type prank calls in which they ended with Jake finding out who was really doing it. It's possible I may have another character fall for the same calls in the next set or two. Stay tuned for the tenth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #33

Dozens of Na'vi warriors approach the RDA mercenaries on their direhorses. They yell battle cries. The mercenaries hold up their guns in which they are aiming directly at them.

Lyle: Yeah! Get some!

The mercenaries begin pulling their triggers. Instead of bullets, paint of various colors comes out of the barrels. It hits the Na'vi full force, knocking some of them off their direhorses. Many hold up their arms to shield themselves. Norm falls off his direhorse after blue paint nails him in the face.

Director: Cut!

The mercenaries stop firing as the direhorses skid to a halt. The Na'vi and Norm wipe the paint off their faces.

Lyle: Hey, who replaced our bullets with paint?

Sean: I don't have a clue.

Lyle glances toward Sean with a suspicious look in his eyes. He sees his friend hold up his hands.

Sean: It wasn't me, man!

Lyle: I don't know. I've seen you play paintball so many times that this looks like something you'd do.

Sean: (rolls his eyes) Give me a break. If I wanted us to shoot paint, I would've gotten us paintball guns. Someone loaded our guns with paint, and it wasn't me!

Lyle: Are you sure about that?

Sean: (sighs) I'm positive.

Lyle narrows his eyes at Sean. He can see he's telling the truth and pulls back. They look toward Norm, who is trying to get the paint off his shirt. Smirks cross their faces.

Lyle: Since we have paint in our guns, what do you say we give the nerd a little more?

Sean: Good idea.

Lyle and Sean approach Norm carefully. Their smirks grow wider as they get closer to him.

Lyle: Norm, think fast!

Norm: (looks up) Huh?

Lyle and Sean fire two shots, hitting Norm in the face and chest with red and green paint. They laugh at him.

Sean: Now, you have a rainbow face!

Norm: You two are going to get it now!

Norm reaches behind him and pulls out two paintball guns. He fires two shot from each of them. He nails Sean in the face and stomach with orange paint while Lyle's AMP suit's glass canopy is hit with yellow paint. He smiles with pride.

Norm: Gotcha!

Lyle: Oh, you're going to get it, nerd!

Norm runs away with Lyle and Sean on his tail. He fires twice, hitting Sean in his chest with yellow paint. Lyle and Sean fire, nailing him in the back. They laugh in much excitement.

00000

Outtake #34

Neytiri draws an arrow and pulls it back on her bow, aiming it toward Jake as he turns in a circle holding a spear. She hesitates for a second, but a determined expression forms on her face. She hears a splitting sound.

Director: (fearfully) Oh, no.

The branch breaks, sending Neytiri falling toward the ground. Neytiri accidentally loses her grip on the arrow after she hits it. The branch lands beside her. The arrow flies toward Jake in which he sees it just in time to jump out of the way. It strikes a log.

Director: Cut!

Neytiri gets up and dusts herself off. Jake approaches her, shaking his head in disbelief. He sees her glance at him.

Jake: You let go of that arrow again.

Neytiri: It was another accident, Jake. Honest.

Jake: (raises an eyebrow) Are you really sure?

Neytiri: I'm positive.

Jake: Really?

Neytiri: (shouts in annoyance) Yes!

Jake winces and rubs his ears while shaking his head rapidly. He narrows his eyes at Neytiri with a heavy sigh.

Jake: Okay. You didn't have to shout.

Neytiri: (shamefully) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Jake: It's all right.

Neytiri: Good. Now, come here!

Neytiri pulls Jake into a headlock and gives him a noogie. Jake wiggles himself free from her grasp. He puts his finger in her face and moves it in all directions. Neytiri follows his motions with her eyes and pretends to get dizzy. She stumbles to the right with a goofy look on her face. Jake starts imitating her as the director sighs heavily.

Director: This is going to be a long week.

00000

Outtake #35

Selfridge has his arms crossed as Grace explains the biology of the forest to him. Jake, Norm, and Quaritch are nearby.

Grace: It's a global network, and the Na'vi can access it. They can upload and download data, memories at sites like the one you just destroyed.

Selfridge opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. He is surprised and tries again, but he fails. He makes another attempt to no avail. He holds his throat, narrowing his eyes at hearing Quaritch chuckle.

Quaritch: What's the matter, Parker? Cat got your tongue?

Jake: (smirks) It must have it because he isn't able to talk!

Norm: The cat should keep it for a while. I can use it to paint my trailer.

Grace: Me too.

Quaritch: Me three.

Jake: (crosses his arms) Me four.

Selfridge growls in anger and flips the bird to the group. He stomps off the set, balling his hands into fists. Grace leans close to Quaritch, a smirk crossing her lips.

Grace: Nice work at spiking his drink.

Quaritch: It was my pleasure. I was getting annoyed with his constant talking.

Norm: Jake talks just as much as he does.

Jake: I do not!

Norm: Yes, you do.

Jake: No, I don't.

Norm: Yes, you do.

Jake: No, I don't.

Norm: Yes, you do.

Jake rolls his wheelchair over to Norm and pulls him into a headlock to give him a noogie. Norm gets out of his grasp and waves his hand in front of his face. He raises it high, bringing it down rapidly. Jake smacks him in the cheek. He rushes two fingers forward, but Norm blocks him by holding his hand sideways between his eyes. He pulls his hand down.

Quaritch: You boys make great Stooges.

Norm: Thanks. You want to join in?

Quaritch: No, thanks. I'd rather throw darts at a picture of Grace.

Grace: (in mock annoyance) Hey!

Quaritch: It was a joke, darling. Don't worry about it. That is if you want me to throw the darts at your butt!

Grace elbows Quaritch in the ribs. She watches him grab his side and pretend to be in pain. She gives him a mock sympathetic look.

Grace: Aw. Did I hurt the little baby?

Quaritch: (whimpers) Yes, you did.

Grace: Here. I'll make it better.

Grace kisses her fingertips and pats Quaritch's side gently. She sees him remove his hand from it.

Grace: All better?

Quaritch: Yeah. Thanks.

Grace: Good. You're it!

Grace smacks Quaritch in the back of his head and runs away laughing. Quaritch growls playfully and chases after her. Norm and Jake are right on his tail.

00000

Outtake #36

Selfridge lines up his golf ball with his club in the control room. He knocks it toward a cup laying a short distance away and laughs when it goes in.

Selfridge: Did you see that?

Man: Yes, sir.

Selfridge: No. You were looking at the monitor.

Selfridge approaches the ball and picks it up. He goes back to his spot and places it down. He doesn't see Grace coming into the room.

Selfridge: I love this putter, Ronnie. I love this putter.

Grace comes around the corner. She doesn't see someone throw a banana peel into her path. She steps on it and slips in which she flies up into the air with a yell. She lands on her back, hitting her head against the floor. She groans while sitting up. Selfridge sees her and starts laughing.

Selfridge: What's the matter, Grace? Is the floor too slippery for you?

Grace shakes her head rapidly and looks at the peel. She picks it up and rises to her feet, looking a bit irritated.

Grace: That depends on what you define as slippery.

Selfridge: (snickers) I think that banana peel would look great on your head, Grace.

Grace: (scoffs) Why don't you wear it, Parker?

Grace throws the peel at Selfridge, smiling when it nails him in the face. She crosses her arms as he glares at her.

Grace: I guess I missed your head just by a little bit.

Selfridge: (growls playfully) I think you better have one of these!

Selfridge swings his club back and hits the ball toward Grace. Grace holds up her hand, catching it easily. She throws it up and down repeatedly. Selfridge becomes very annoyed.

Selfridge: Grace, you can give me my ball back now.

Grace: If you want the ball, Parker, you have to catch me first!

Grace takes off laughing. Selfridge chases her down the hall while holding his club high. The director braces his fist against his head.

Director: I think I'm getting a headache.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the tenth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only three days to get out. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed so far. A special shoutout goes to Tasha Hill and brankel1 for being continuous reviewers. Your support means the world to me. As for other readers, don't hesitate to review. I'd love to hear what you thought of my outtakes and suggestions for others. Stay tuned for the eleventh set.

XXXXX

Outtake #37

Quaritch and his men fly toward Hometree in the Dragon and a number of Samsons. He looks up at the top of it.

Quaritch: That's one big damn tree.

Quaritch looks down at his monitor. He sees Jake and Grace bound with daggers being held to their throats by two warriors.

Quaritch: Well, well, I see diplomacy has failed.

Quaritch looks at his co-pilot. He's about to give the order to launch gas canisters when he hears his cell phone ring. He takes it off his belt and opens it. He puts it to his ear.

Quaritch: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Mr. Pizzaface.

Quaritch: Who?

Voice: Pizzaface. First name is Eura.

Quaritch: Hold on. I'll check.

Quaritch takes the phone away from his ear. He glances at his pilots of which they stare at him.

Quaritch: I'm looking for a Eura Pizzaface. Does anyone know Eura Pizzaface?

Pilot: I've always had a problem with acne, sir.

Co-pilot: Me too.

The pilots laugh aloud while banging their fists on the console. Quaritch becomes angry and puts the phone to his ear.

Quaritch: You little creep! When I find you, I'm going rip your fingers off and eat them for breakfast!

Quaritch snaps his phone shut and returns it to his belt. He narrows his eyes at the pilots, silencing them quickly.

00000

Outtake #38

Under the Tree of Voices, Neytiri turns away from Jake with a sad expression on her face. Jake doesn't move from his spot behind her.

Neytiri: You may choose a woman.

Neytiri holds up her hands to catch a woodsprite. Jake moves closer to her, stopping within inches of her.

Neytiri: We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.

Jake: I don't want Ninat.

Neytiri smiles and blows on the woodsprite, sending it flying away. Jake doesn't move from his spot.

Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.

Jake: Yes, she is a good hunter.

Neytiri turns around to face Jake as he moves closer to her. Her ears perk up as her eyes become very curious.

Jake: I've already chosen, but this woman must also choose me.

Neytiri: (smiles) She already has.

Jake brings his hand up to Neytiri's cheek. He leans in to give her a kiss of which she eagerly accepts. The kiss becomes passionate. Unbeknownst to Jake, Neytiri moves her hand downward and grabs his crotch. She feels him pull away from her and sees him give her a wry look.

Jake: Getting a little horny, aren't you?

Neytiri: (dreamily) I can't help it. I'm addicted to you.

Jake: Well, you can satisfy it later. We have to finish filming this scene.

Neytiri: (grumpily) Why not now?

Jake: For starters, we have a bunch of cameras filming us.

Neytiri: (giggles) Then we can leave and come back later.

Jake: Neytiri—

Neytiri cuts Jake off by kissing passionately on the lips. She runs her hand up and down his chest. Jake can't stop a groan from leaving his mouth. He feels Neytiri pull away and growls playfully at her.

Jake: Screw filming. Let's get out of here.

Neytiri: (squeals) Yes!

Jake takes Neytiri's hand and takes her off the set. They laugh, not seeing the director slap his hand over his face.

Director: Those two are the biggest horndogs I've ever seen.

00000

Outtake #39

Tsu'tey shouts to the warriors who are eager to avenge the bulldozed Tree of Voices. Jake and Neytiri arrive in the crowd, holding hands. Tsu'tey turns his head and sees them.

Jake: Tsu'tey, don't do this!

Tsu'tey gets angry and hands a warrior his bow. He runs toward Jake, his lips curling into a snarl.

Tsu'tey: You!

Jake: As a brother—

Tsu'tey shoves Jake roughly, sending him colliding with the ground. He stares down at him, his anger increasing. Neytiri yells at him in Na'vi and keeps him at bay.

Tsu'tey: You mated with this woman?

Grace: Oh, shit!

Mo'at approaches Neytiri as Jake stands up. She looks her in the eye, starting to become angry.

Mo'at: Is this true?

Neytiri is about to say her next line when a speaker crackles. Everyone looks up at it, appearing very curious.

Voice: Tsu'tey, your pa'li is being loaded onto a trailer. You tied it up in a red zone.

Tsu'tey: What? I didn't tie it up in a red zone!

Jake: (snickers) It seems that you did.

Eytukan: You better get your pa'li before it's taken away.

Tsu'tey rushes off the set in a panic. Mo'at walks to Eytukan and stops beside him, leaning to close him.

Mo'at: Nice work at painting the curb.

Eytukan: (smirks) It was the perfect way to get back at him for rigging my trailer to play loud music when I walked in to read during my break.

Neytiri: You did put a whoopie cushion in his chair.

Eytukan: I think that was your idea, Neytiri.

Neytiri: It was more your idea than mine.

Eytukan: No, it wasn't.

Neytiri: Yes, it was.

Eytukan: No, it wasn't.

Neytiri: Yes, it was.

Mo'at: (waves her hands in the air) It doesn't matter whose idea it was. What matters is Tsu'tey fell for it, all right?

Eytukan and Neytiri hold up their hands while looking away. Jake and Grace approach them as they wiggle their ears.

Jake: Now that's settled, why don't we get some coffee?

Grace: Good idea, Jake.

Neytiri: (jokingly) Don't put too much sugar in your coffee, Jake. We don't want to see you bounce off the walls.

Jake: Get lost, Neytiri.

Neytiri: No, you get lost.

Jake: No, you.

Neytiri: You.

Jake: You.

Neytiri: You.

Jake: You.

Grace: All right, kids. Cut it out.

Jake and Neytiri: We can't cut it out! It'll grow right back!

Jake and Neytiri laugh and put their hands behind their backs. They, Grace, Eytukan, and Mo'at head toward the kitchen. They start another conversation.

00000

Outtake #40

Jake runs after Neytiri up a tree. He increases his stride to get closer to her while panting heavily. Neytiri grabs an overhanging branch and swings over to another. Jake takes hold of it and makes a swing. Unfortunately, he goes too high and misses the other one completely. He falls toward the ground.

Jake: (echoes) Ya-hoo-hoo-hooey!

Jake lands face first in a mud puddle with his hands on either side of his head. He gets up in which his face, chest, and stomach are covered in mud. He hears laughing and looks up at Neytiri with an annoyed expression.

Neytiri: Trying to take a mud bath, aren't you, Jake?

Jake: Neytiri, try this on for size.

Jake grabs a handful of mud and throws it at Neytiri, hitting her in the face. Neytiri loses her balance and falls off the branch. She lands beside Jake face first with her hands on either side of her head. She gets up, narrowing her eyes at him.

Jake: Now, you can take a mud bath with me.

Neytiri: Oh, you!

Neytiri picks up a handful of mud and throws it at Jake, nailing him in the chest. Jake tackles her to the ground. They wrestle around, becoming completely covered in mud. They stop after a minute and look at each other.

Jake: You look pretty when you're all covered in mud.

Neytiri: You look handsome when you're the same way.

Jake: Maybe we should become pigs.

Neytiri: I'd like that. Of course, you need to watch out for this!

Neytiri hits Jake in the back of his head and gets up to start running. Jake jumps to his feet and chases after her. The director bangs his fists on the arms of his chair.

Director: (aggravated) Damn it! This scene is going to take all night to film with all their playing around!


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the eleventh set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just four days to get out. I'm not sure how long this fic will be, but it will be ongoing as long as I can come up with ideas for outtakes. You're welcome to pitch suggestions for others. I should note than any sentences in italics represents speaking in Na'vi. Stay tuned for the twelfth set.

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Outtake #41

Eytukan is discussing a strategy to attack the RDA with a group of warriors. Mo'at stands nearby him. Just then, Neytiri comes running down the steps with Jake and Grace.

Neytiri: Sempu, Sa'nok.

Eytukan stands up as Jake and Grace approach him. Tsu'tey joins his side, as does Mo'at. Jake looks panicked and very uncertain.

Jake: _Eytukan, I have something to say._

Eytukan: _Speak, Jakesully._

Grace: _Listen!_

Jake: _A great evil is upon us. The sky people are coming to destroy Hometree._

The crowd gasps in shock and fear. Jake swallows hard and turns to Neytiri, who eyes him closely.

Jake: Tell him they'll be here soon.

Neytiri opens her mouth to speak, but she lets out a hiccup instead. She tries again, only for another to come. She makes another attempt and gives one more. She emits a series of hiccups.

Grace: (crosses her arms) What's the matter, Neytiri? Did you drink hiccup juice?

Neytiri: (hiccups) Very funny, Grace!

Jake: She must have because she's hiccupping like crazy!

Neytiri: (hiccups) Someone should give you the hiccups!

Jake: No way. I can't—

Suddenly, Jake hiccups and slams his hand over his mouth. He does it three more times. Tsu'tey laughs aloud, getting an annoyed look from him. He crosses his arms.

Tsu'tey: It seems Neytiri just gave you the hiccups!

Jake: (hiccups) Get out of town, Tsu'tey!

Tsu'tey: No, you get out of town.

Eytukan: (chuckles) By sundown.

Mo'at: Or else.

Tsu'tey: Yeah!

Jake and Neytiri continue hiccupping as they stalk off the set. Eytukan, Mo'at, Tsu'tey, and Grace break into hysterical laughter.

Grace: Did you see how they kept hiccupping?

Mo'at: Yeah. They couldn't stop themselves.

Tsu'tey: (jerks his thumb over his shoulder) I would've loved to see them shoot off into space.

Eytukan: (smirks) That could've happened when you had a case of hiccups earlier, Tsu'tey.

Tsu'tey: No more than you would have with your case of the hiccups yesterday.

Eytukan: Don't remind me.

Grace: He just did, Eytukan.

Eytukan waves Grace off and leaves the set. Tsu'tey and Grace snicker to themselves. Mo'at joins in, covering her mouth with her hand.

00000

Outtake #42

Jake and Trudy head toward Quaritch, who is lifting weights. They stop a short distance from him and turn to each other.

Trudy: There's your man. I'll see you on the flight line.

Jake and Trudy form fists and hit them together. He watches her leave and wheels his way over to Quaritch.

Jake: You wanted to see me, Colonel?

Quaritch: This low gravity will make you soft. You get soft—

Quaritch puts the weights on the bar and sits up. Jake raises his eyebrows while staring at him.

Quaritch: Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning. I pulled your record, Corporal. Venezuela. That was some mean bush but nothing like this here, though. You got some heart, kid, showing up in this neighborhood.

Jake: I figure it was just another hellhole.

Quaritch gets up and starts walking toward his AMP suit. He passes Jake, who turns around to follow him.

Quaritch: I was First Recon myself a few years ahead of you. Well, maybe more than a few. Three tours of Nigeria, not a scratch. I come out here—

Quaritch turns around and points his finger at his head. Jake stops before him, appearing to be very curious.

Quaritch: Day one. I felt like a shaved-tail louie.

Quaritch approaches his suit and is about to say his next line when his cell phone rings. He takes it off his belt and opens it to put it to his ear.

Quaritch: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Mr. Beingstinky.

Quaritch: Who?

Voice: Mr. Beingstinky. First name is Iadore.

Quaritch: Hold on. Let me find him.

Quaritch removes his phone from his ear and looks at Jake. Jake and his men eye him closely.

Quaritch: I'm looking for Iadore Beingstinky. Does anyone know Iadore Beingstinky?

Jake: Well, you worked up a sweat. That means you do like being stinky!

Jake and everyone else in the armor bay laugh aloud. Quaritch becomes furious and puts the phone to his ear. His breathing is loud yet steady.

Quaritch: You stupid little idiot! When I catch you, I'm going to take your skull and play baseball with it! Then I will eat your brains!

Quaritch closes his phone and returns it to his belt. He glares at everyone, making him or her stop laughing. The director scratches his head.

Director: Okay. Let's try this scene again!

00000

Outtake #43

Jake and Neytiri sit across from each other on a tree branch. He repeats Na'vi words she speaks to him.

Jake: (v.o) The language is a pain, but you know it's like a fieldstripping weapon. Just repetition, repetition.

Jake speaks the Na'vi word for ear inaudibly. Neytiri points her fingers at her eyes while closing them and straightening her back.

Jake: Navi.

Neytiri: Nari.

Jake: Nari.

Neytiri: (irritatingly) Narrri.

Jake: (rapidly) Narrri.

Neytiri aims her palm for Jake's forehead, but she ends up hitting him in the eye instead. Jake yells in pain and covers it with his hand.

Jake: Shit, Neytiri! That smarts!

Neytiri: (guiltily) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Jake: That's what you said when you nearly took my head off with two arrows.

Neytiri: (groans) Those were accidents, and you know it.

Jake: Yeah, but I wasn't hit like this time.

Neytiri: You're such a baby.

Jake: Why don't you give me a bottle and a pacifier?

Neytiri: Okay.

Neytiri gets up and walks off the set. She returns with a bottle and a pacifier in her hands. Jake removes his hand from his eye. Neytiri sticks the pacifier in his mouth and puts the bottle in his lap.

Neytiri: There. Now, you can be a baby.

Jake mumbles inaudible words. The director groans to himself and places his hand on top of his head, sighing heavily.

Director: Those two need time off.

00000

Outtake #44

In the armor bay, Quaritch talks with Jake about learning from the Na'vi in an effort to get them to cooperate. Jake listens to him closely, taking deep breaths.

Jake: Am I still with Augustine?

Quaritch: On paper. You walk like one of her science pukes. You quack like one, but you report to me. You think you can do that for me, son?

Jake: Hell yeah, sir.

Quaritch: Well, all right then.

Quaritch presses a button. Suddenly, the AMP suit walks forward four paces. It folds its arms under and starts flapping them. Clucking sounds can be heard coming from the control panel. Jake smirks at Quaritch.

Jake: I didn't realize you turned your AMP suit into a chicken.

Quaritch: I didn't do this! Someone rigged this thing again!

Jake: I tell you. You are one giant chicken!

Quaritch: I am not!

Jake folds his arms under his armpits and makes clucking sounds. Quaritch unbuckles his straps and jumps out of the suit. He lands on the platform and slaps Jake in the back of his head. Jake becomes still and quiet.

Quaritch: If you do that again, I'll honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head.

Jake: Bring it on. I dare you.

Quaritch pretends to tweak Jake's nose and pull his underwear over his head. Jake presses his fist against his nose. Quaritch leans back and swings his arms backward as if he is about to fall. He straightens himself and clears his throat. The suit takes off running down the bay.

Quaritch: One thing is clear. Someone is going to pay for rigging my suit again.

Jake: You want me to help you find him?

Quaritch: Be my guest.

Jake and Quaritch head off the set. The director grabs his hair and pretends to pull it out, yelling in frustration.

Director: All right! Cut! Someone needs to find that suit and make it stop acting like a chicken!


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the twelfth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just three days to get out. If anyone has ideas for outtakes they'd like me to try, you are welcome to mention them in your reviews. I'll write them to the best of my ability. Stay tuned for the thirteenth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #45

Jake and Neytiri swim in the stream in the nude while on their break. Unbeknownst to them, Tsu'tey and Norm are watching them from behind a tree. They look toward their clothes that lay on the bank.

Tsu'tey: You want to go first?

Norm: I think you should go.

Tsu'tey: Are you sure?

Norm: Yes, I am. You're better at sneaking around than I am.

Tsu'tey: All right.

Tsu'tey sneaks toward a bush close to the stream. He goes behind it and looks toward Norm. He waves his hand while mouthing words to him. Norm made his way toward him carefully. They stare at the clothes.

Tsu'tey: You ready?

Norm: Yeah.

Tsu'tey: All right, let's go.

Tsu'tey and Norm run toward the clothes and pick them up. They take off as Jake and Neytiri stick their heads above the surface.

Jake: Hey!

Neytiri: Bring our clothes back!

Norm: (looks over his shoulder) No way!

Tsu'tey: (glances at the couple) You have to catch us first!

Tsu'tey and Norm disappear into the forest. Jake hits the water with his hand frustratingly. Neytiri crosses her arms over her chest.

Jake: I can't believe they did that!

Neytiri: There's nothing worse than someone running off with your clothes while you're swimming.

Jake: Yeah. You can't get out of the water without risking embarrassment.

Neytiri: (moves toward Jake) Then again, it isn't so bad.

Neytiri runs her finger up and down Jake's chest. Jake can't help letting a shuddering breath come out of his mouth.

Jake: You're going to be the death of me.

Neytiri: I hope so.

Neytiri kisses Jake on the lips. They wrap their arms around each other and start making out like crazy.

00000

Outtake #46

Jake watches Norm and Grace take samples of the tree roots. He becomes bored and decides to walk away. Without warning, he feels two hard kicks to his butt and falls on his stomach. He looks up to see Norm and Grace standing over him.

Jake: What the hell was that for?

Norm: You might want to look at the sign on your back.

Jake: (confused) What sign?

Grace tears a piece of paper off Jake's back and hands it to him. She smirks at him while perking up her ears.

Grace: This sign!

Jake: (reads) 'I'm a dork. Kick me really hard'?

Grace: Gotcha!

Norm and Grace break into hysterical laughter. They fall down and roll around while holding their stomachs. Jake gets up, looking very aggravated.

Jake: It isn't that funny, you guys!

Norm: (stands up) Yes, it is.

Grace: (stays on the ground) You were just as clueless as Tsu'tey was when he got a sign put on his back.

Norm: You sure were!

Jake: Oh, yeah? Take this!

Jake smacks Norm in the back of his head and tweaks Grace's nose. He runs off laughing as she jumps to her feet.

Grace: You won't get away with that, Jake!

Norm and Grace chase after Jake. They manage to catch up to him and stop him in his tracks. They ruffle his hair and give him noogies. Jake breaks free of their grasp and flicks their noses. He gets light punches to his cheeks from both of them. They share a laugh.

Jake: You two do a good job of playing around.

Grace: What can we say? It makes filming this move more enjoyable.

Norm: I wonder what else will happen.

All of a sudden, Trudy runs onto the set and grabs Norm's head. She pulls him down to give him a hard kiss on the lips. She looks him in the eye with a huge smile on her face. Norm stares at her in surprise.

Norm: What was that for, Trudy?

Trudy: (laughs) I just couldn't resist coming on and giving you a smooch, Norm.

Norm: Can I give you one?

Trudy: Sure.

Norm holds Trudy's face in his hands and kisses her on the lips. He reaches behind her and pinches her butt. He runs away with a loud laugh while she stares after him.

Trudy: You're going to get it, geek!

Norm: You'll have to catch me first!

Norm peers over his shoulder, blowing a raspberry. Trudy growls playfully and goes after him. Jake and Grace look at each other, shrugging their shoulders. The director slams his fist down on the arm of his chair.

Director: Cut! Someone needs to bring Norm back on the set, so we can finish this scene!

00000

Outtake #47

Quaritch walks down an aisle between two groups of newcomers. His hands are at his sides and balled into fists. Four soldiers stand in front of the windows.

Quaritch: You're not in Kansas anymore. You're on Pandora, ladies and gentleman. Respect that fact every second of every day.

Quaritch heads toward the window, tightening his fists somewhat. He passes Norm, who stares at him.

Quaritch: If there is a Hell, you might want to go there for some R&R after a tour on Pandora.

Quaritch gets closer to the window, not seeing a wet spot on the floor. He steps on it and slips. He flies into the air with a loud yell. He lands on his butt, groaning loudly. The entire room breaks into laughter.

Norm: What's the matter, sir? Is the floor a little too slippery for your tastes?

Quaritch: (gets up in annoyance) Shut up, geek! You had something to do with this, didn't you?

Norm: No way. If I wanted to make you slip, I would've used a ketchup packet. It would've been fun seeing you slide across the floor!

Voice: You got that right.

Quaritch sees Jake coming into the room. He approaches him, narrowing his eyes at him.

Quaritch: So, you think it'd be fun to see me slide across the floor after stepping on a ketchup packet?

Jake: Yes, I would. I'd also love to see you slide across the floor on an oil slick.

Quaritch: Oh, yeah?

Jake: Yeah.

Quaritch: (smiles) In the case, let's see you slide across the floor in your wheelchair!

Quaritch turns Jake around. He pulls the wheelchair back and shoves it very hard. Jake cheers loudly as he speeds out of the room while pumping his fists. Quaritch faces everyone with a smirk.

Quaritch: That's how you make a man in a wheelchair slide across the floor.

Norm: I'll go get Jake.

Norm stands up and heads out of the room to get Jake. The director puts his hand over his face with a loud groan.

Director: This is going to be a long morning.

00000

Outtake #48

Norm and Trudy talk while sitting in the pilot seats in _Rogue One._ They have no idea they're being filmed.

Norm: What do you think of going on a date after filming is over?

Trudy: I don't know about that, Norm. Do you remember the last time we went on a date?

Norm: It wasn't my fault the car wouldn't start after we left the movie theater.

Trudy: You did look pretty funny getting squirted in the face with oil when you tried to fix it.

Norm: (jokingly) That wasn't oil. That was chocolate syrup.

Trudy: Yeah, right!

Norm: Come to think of it. You're sweeter than chocolate syrup.

Trudy: No, that describes you.

Norm: Unh-unh.

Trudy: Unh-huh.

Norm: Unh-unh.

Trudy: Unh-huh.

Norm reaches over to pinch Trudy's cheek. Trudy swats his hand aside and pulls him into a headlock to give him a noogie. She feels a tap on her shoulder and looks at the cameraman.

Trudy: What?

Cameraman: (annoyed) You two need to pay attention! We're filming!

Norm and Trudy look toward the camera. They slap their hands over their faces and turn red with embarrassment.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the thirteenth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just four days to get out. If anyone wants to express their ideas for outtakes, let me know in your reviews or in a PM. I'll be more than willing to try what you'd like me to do. Stay tuned for the fourteenth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #49

In the briefing room, Quaritch faces the mercenaries and miners. Sean chews gum while Lyle remains as still as a statue.

Quaritch: Every one of you on this base, every one of you in here is fighting for survival. That's a fact! An aboriginal horde is out there massing for an attack.

Quaritch turns to the window and presses a button to bring up the screen. A projector comes up and shows satellite pictures of the Tree of Souls.

Quaritch: These orbital images tell me the hostiles' numbers have grown from a few hundred to well over two thousand in one day, and more are coming in. In a week's time, they could grow to over twenty thousand and overrun our base perimeter. Well, that's not going to happen. Our only course of action is a preemptive strike. We'll fight terror with terror.

Instead of the video of the Tree of Souls coming up, one of Quaritch singing karaoke is shown. The entire room breaks into laughter. Quaritch turns around, a shocked expression appearing on his face.

Quaritch: What the hell?

Sean: I didn't know you liked karaoke, sir!

Lyle: I have to admit that you have a good voice.

Sean: You know the lyrics really well too.

Lyle: Let's sing along with him!

Lyle and Sean sing along with the video. So does everyone else in the room. Quaritch flips the bird and stalks out, mumbling inaudible words.

00000

Outtake #50

Norm and Trudy are reading over the script in his trailer. He walks around while she is sitting down on the couch and chewing gum.

Norm: I can't believe this. It says here I'm supposed to become jealous of Jake. I don't want to do that.

Trudy: It's what the director wants. What he wants, he gets.

Norm: (grabs the back of his neck) Someone should put a firecracker up his ass. He's so bossy and demanding.

Trudy: You could do that unless you want one up yours.

Norm: Good point.

Norm flips through the pages, whispering inaudible words. Trudy blows a bubble in her gum and pops it after it gets a little big.

Norm: Be careful with that gum, Trudy. You don't want it to get too big.

Trudy: Are you afraid I might float away like a hot air balloon?

Norm: You want me to ride on you?

Trudy: Hey, I'm not a horse.

Norm: (snickers) That was you said when you were on top of me last night.

Trudy blows a raspberry at Norm and goes back to reading the strip. Just then, a thought clicks in her head.

Trudy: I know something that would make this script better.

Norm: (stops pacing) What?

Trudy: How about an intimate scene between us?

Norm: You're kidding!

Trudy: (stands up) No way. If Jake and Neytiri can have an intimate scene, why can't we? Everyone says two is better than one. Besides, we're already together, aren't we?

Norm: Yeah, but are you sure we should—

Norm is cut off when Trudy kisses him on the lips. He stares at her in much awe while blinking repeatedly. Trudy gives him a huge smile.

Trudy: Does that answer your question?

Norm: Oh, yeah.

Trudy: Yeah.

Norm and Trudy kiss passionately and fall on the couch. They laugh heartily after breaking apart by accident. They go back to kissing and proceed to undress each other. Loud knocking sounds on the door, but they ignore it. The door opens, and Grace walks in.

Grace: You guys need to—

Grace is cut off when she sees Norm and Trudy without their shirts on. The couple sees her, showing much shock. They scream in fright and grab their shirts frantically to put them on.

Norm: (angrily) Damn it, Grace! Don't you know how to knock?

Grace: I did knock! You didn't answer, so I walked in!

Trudy: You need to be more considerate of others. We were just trying to have some private time.

Grace: (sighs) I hate to end it, but you need to be on the set in five minutes.

Norm: (looks at his watch) Oh, shit! We lost track of the time!

Grace: (points her finger) You need to use the alarm on your watch, Norm. It'd help you a lot.

Norm: Yeah, yeah. We'll be right there.

Grace rolls her eyes and leaves, closing the door behind her. Norm and Trudy glance at each other.

Norm: I guess that ends our romp.

Trudy: Yeah, but we can do it later.

Norm chuckles seductively and kisses Trudy. He helps her up, and they head out of the trailer to the set.

00000

Outtake #51

Quaritch, Selfridge, and several other people stand before the video monitor. Lyle examines the squad that Tsu'tey's war party had killed.

Quaritch: Talk to me, Lyle.

Lyle: (looks down at a soldier) They struck with the banshees first. The angle's steep.

Lyle looks toward the torched AMP suit with the soldier lying beside it. He comes closer to it, making gestures.

Lyle: They set the AMP suit on fire. The driver is toast.

Quaritch: The rest of the squad?

Lyle: (looks toward the camera) Six bodies. That's—

Without warning, a pie hits Lyle in the side of his head. Another one hits a soldier in the face. Lyle and the squad scream and run away as Jake, Grace, Neytiri, and Tsu'tey chase after them while throwing pies at them. Lyle runs past the camera, his chest and face covered in pie filling. Jake and Neytiri are on his tail. Selfridge smiles widely while looking at Quaritch.

Selfridge: That's what I call a pie chase.

Quaritch: You said it. They look so funny running around.

Selfridge: They sure do.

Quaritch sees Grace throw a pie at a soldier of which it hits him in the chest. He spots Jake tossing one at Lyle and scoring a hit in the head.

Quaritch: Jake's aim is really good.

Selfridge: (smirks) Not as good as yours. Then again, you've been hit in the nuts a few times.

Quaritch gives Selfridge a noogie and knocks on his head. Selfridge swats his hand aside before crossing his arms.

Selfridge: You want to have a pie chase?

Quaritch: Maybe later. I'll watch this one for now.

Selfridge: Are you afraid I might hit you in the nuts?

Quaritch: (getting annoyed) Hush.

Selfridge shrugs his shoulders. He turns back to the camera as Tsu'tey and Grace nail a solider in the face with pies.

00000

Outtake #52

Max leads Jake and Norm toward Grace. Grace looks down at a pad of paper and doesn't notice them.

Norm: Grace Augustine is a legend. She's the head of the Avatar Program. She literally wrote the book on Pandoran botany.

Max: That's because she likes plants better than humans.

Grace mumbles a few inaudible words. She looks up and takes off her glasses. Max, Jake, and Norm stop beside her.

Max: Here's Cinderella back from the ball. Grace, this is Norm Spellman and Jake Sully.

Grace: Norm, I've heard good things about you. How's your Na'vi?

Norm is about to say his line when a speaker crackles with static. Everyone looks up with much curiosity.

Voice: Grace, you need to turn off your car. You left your headlights on.

Grace: What? I didn't leave my headlights on! I turned off my car when I arrived two hours ago!

Jake: I guess you didn't, Grace.

Max: You better turn them off before the battery runs down.

Grace runs off the set, looking very panicky. Jake turns to Max and Norm to give them high-fives. They share a hearty laugh.

Jake: Nice work at swiping her spare keys, guys.

Max: (smiles) She needed to pay for putting hot sauce on my chicken when she cooked it.

Norm: Not to mention she nailed my windows and door shut.

Jake: Maybe she should be slimed like celebrities are at the _Kids' Choice Awards._

Norm: That would be a priceless reaction.

Max: Oh, yeah.

Jake, Norm, and Max leave the set, speaking to each other. The director touches the top of his head with a loud groan.

Director: Someone better heat up the coffee. This is going to be a long night.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the fourteenth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took just three days to get out. I'm sorry to say this, but I will be writing only two more sets after this. I'm ready to finish this up and move on to other projects. Stay tuned for the fifteenth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #53

Jake and Trudy head toward Quaritch, who is lifting weights. They stop a short distance from him and turn to each other.

Trudy: There's your man. I'll see you on the flight line.

Jake and Trudy form fists and hit them together. He watches her leave and wheels his way over to Quaritch.

Jake: You wanted to see me, Colonel?

Quaritch: This low gravity will make you soft. You get soft—

Quaritch puts the weights on the bar and sits up. Jake raises his eyebrows while staring at him.

Quaritch: Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning. I pulled your record, Corporal. Venezuela. That was some mean bush but nothing like this here. You got some heart, kid, showing up in this neighborhood.

Jake: I figure it was just another hellhole.

Quaritch gets up and starts walking toward his AMP suit. He passes Jake, who turns around to follow him.

Quaritch: I was First Recon myself a few years ahead of you. Well, maybe more than a few. Three tours of Nigeria and not a scratch. I come out here—

Quaritch turns around and points his finger at his head. Jake stops before him, appearing to be very curious.

Quaritch: Day one. I felt like a shaved-tail louie.

Quaritch turns around and is about to say his next line when he is greeted with water hitting him in the face. He looks up to see Norm and Grace holding water guns and standing right next to the suit.

Norm: Gotcha!

Grace: You didn't even see us!

Quaritch: Why, you!

Quaritch reaches behind him, producing a gun. He squirts water at Norm, nailing him in the face. He jumps out of the way when his opponent fires back at him. He gets up and aims at Grace, only to be hit in the face by water from her. Grace takes aim again when she struck in the head by water. She spots Jake holding a gun.

Jake: Did your mother ever tell you to pay attention, Grace?

Grace: (in mock anger) You're going to get it, marine!

Grace jumps off the platform, landing gracefully. She shoots water at Jake, missing when he rolls his wheelchair back. Jake fires at her, getting her in the face. He is hit in the side of the head and looks at Quaritch, who has his gun aimed at him.

Quaritch: Don't you know the first rule of a water gun fight? Never take your eyes off your opponents!

Jake: (looks over Quaritch's shoulder) I know that rule very well.

Quaritch feels water hit him in the back. He spins around to look at Norm and takes aim at him. He shoots water, which nails him in the face. Norm squirts him again and takes off running. Quaritch is on his tail, letting out a loud yell. Jake watches them vanish. He jumps when water hits his cheek. He sees Grace aiming her gun at him.

Grace: You're mine, Jake!

Jake: (aims his gun) I don't think so!

Jake squirts water at Grace, but he misses when she ducks. Grace shoots him again in which she gets him in the chest. She runs away with a laugh. Jake chases after her.

00000

Outtake #54

Jake and Neytiri sit across from each other on a tree branch. He repeats Na'vi words she speaks to him.

Jake: (v.o) The language is a pain, but you know it's like a fieldstripping weapon. Just repetition, repetition.

Jake speaks the Na'vi word for ear inaudibly. Neytiri points her fingers at her eyes while closing them and straightening her back.

Jake: Navi.

Neytiri: Nari.

Jake: Nari.

Neytiri: (irritatingly) Narrri.

Jake: (rapidly) Narrri.

Neytiri hits Jake in the forehead with her palm very hard. Jake yells in pain and holds it with a loud groan.

Jake: (shakes his head) Damn, Neytiri! You hit me too hard!

Neytiri: I'm sorry! It was an accident!

Jake: You've been in too many accidents since filming started.

Neytiri: I can't help it if I mess up or something causes me to.

Jake: Yeah, right.

Neytiri: (narrows her eyes) You've been in just as many accidents as I have.

Jake: Like what?

Neytiri pulls a recordable DVD in a case out of a pouch on her loincloth. She waves it in the air with a smirk and moves her eye ridges up and down.

Neytiri: This DVD has every accident you've been in since filming started. I should show it to everyone.

Jake: You wouldn't dare.

Neytiri: Watch me.

Neytiri jumps to her feet and runs off the set. Jake balls his hand into a fist and chases after her. He catches her, taking the DVD away. He chuckles while waving it in her face.

Jake: Now, who has the DVD?

Neytiri: Okay, okay! You win! I won't show the DVD!

Jake: (puts DVD in loincloth pouch) Good. It's staying right here where it belongs. Don't even think of touching it. If you do, you'll get a haircut you won't forget. Got it?

Neytiri: (salutes Jake) Yes, sir!

Jake rolls his eyes and heads back to the set. Neytiri follows him close behind, snapping her fingers while singing nonsense.

00000

Outtake #55

Selfridge messes with the unobtanium on his desk. Quaritch stands with his back against the window.

Quaritch: I'll do it with minimal casualties to the indigenous. I'll drive them out with gas first.

Selfridge looks up at the ceiling and sighs heavily. He appears to be very conflicted. Quaritch tilts his head to the right.

Quaritch: It'll be humane more or less.

Selfridge is about to say his line when he hears Quaritch's cell phone ring. Quaritch takes it out of his pocket and opens it. He puts it to his ear.

Quaritch: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Toweardiapers. First name is Ilike.

Quaritch: Hold on. I'll find him.

Quaritch takes his phone away from his ear and glances at Selfridge and the crew. He sees them giving him curious looks.

Quaritch: Is Ilike Toweardiapers here? Does anyone know Ilike Toweardiapers?

Selfridge: We sure do, baby!

Selfridge and the crew let out raucous laughter. Quaritch becomes furious and puts the phone back to his ear.

Quaritch: You cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I'm going to rip your guts out and feed them to piranhas! Then I will put your head on display on my mantel!

Quaritch snaps his phone shut and returns it to his pocket. Selfridge stretches his arms above his head.

Selfridge: You think you'll find the guy who's prank-calling you?

Quaritch: I don't know. He keeps changing his name.

Selfridge: Hang in there. I'm sure he'll mess up eventually.

Quaritch: (smirks) Like you did?

Selfridge narrows his eyes and stands up to walk away. Quaritch clicks his tongue before chuckling to himself.

00000

Outtake #56

Neytiri runs to the end of a tree branch with Jake behind her. She jumps off when she reaches the edge. Jake comes to a stop and watches her use leaves to break her fall.

Jake: You've got to kidding me.

Jake ties his bow to his back and jumps off. He hits the first three leaves and ends up getting tangled in vines between the third and fourth leaf. He struggles to get free, but he can't. He hears chuckling and glares down at Neytiri.

Neytiri: Now, that's what I call getting tangled!

Jake: Very funny, Neytiri! Would you please get me down from here?

Neytiri: I think I'll leave you like that. You look really cool all tangled up.

Jake: (irritatingly) You better cut me down, or I will tell everyone you sleep with a teddy bear!

Neytiri: You wouldn't.

Jake: Believe me. I would.

Neytiri climbs up three octoshrooms that increase in height. She gets to Jake and proceeds to cut him loose with her dagger.

Jake: (watches Neytiri) That's good. That's good. Wait! Don't cut the last one!

Neytiri doesn't stop herself from cutting the last vine in time. Jake plummets toward the ground at rapid speed.

Jake: (echoes) Yah-hoo-hoo-hooey!

Jake lands on his stomach with a slight groan. Neytiri rushes down to help him up. She sees him shaking his head rapidly.

Neytiri: I'm sorry about that.

Jake: Don't worry about it. It's bound to happen to everyone.

Neytiri: (shakes her head) I don't think it will ever happen to me.

Jake: (raises an eyebrow) Don't say never.

Neytiri elbows Jake in the arm and walks off the set. Jake shrugs his shoulders and goes after. He pulls her tail, causing her to smack his hand. They laugh and put their arms around each other.


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the fifteenth set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm glad it took only three days to get out. There's just one more set before I will be done. Stay tuned for the sixteenth set.

XXXXX

Outtake #57

Trudy lands _Rogue One_ close to Site 26. She turns off the engine as Norm, Grace, and Jake unbuckle their harnesses.

Trudy: Thank you for flying Air Pandora.

The entire group puts on exopacks and gets out to head toward the shack. Norm trips over a root and yells in surprise while falling toward the ground. He lands on his stomach. Jake chuckles as he rolls past him.

Jake: Did you have a nice trip, geek?

Norm: Someone should make you have a trip.

Jake: No way. Nothing can—

Jake is cut off when he hits a rock with his wheelchair. He falls forward with a yell and lands face first in a small pile of mud. He looks up at Norm approaching. He manages to get back in his wheelchair.

Norm: I rest my case. By the way, you look great in a mud mask.

Jake: Get lost, Norm.

Norm: No, you get lost.

Jake: You.

Norm: You.

Jake: You.

Norm: You.

Grace: (approaches Norm and Jake) Okay, guys. Knock it off.

Norm and Jake: Why don't you knock it off, Grace?

Grace holds up her hand and walks away. Norm and Jake snicker to themselves while looking at each other.

00000

Outtake #58

The hammerhead titanothere charges at Jake. Jake growls and rushes at it, screaming loudly. The titanothere screeches to a halt, bellowing in fright.

Jake: Yeah! Come on. What do you got?

The titanothere backs away, snorting and bellowing. Jake steps forward and shakes his arms, not realizing a thanator is coming up behind him.

Jake: Oh, yeah. Who's bad? That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

The thanator raises its neck armor plates and sets itself up for the pounce. The titanothere rushes back to its herd as Jake comes closer to it, showing much confidence.

Jake: Get your punk ass back to Mommy. Hey, you got nothing here! Why don't you bring back some of your friends?

Jake spins around to face the thanator, and his confidence turns to fear. The thanator lets out a loud roar and leaps over him, and he points his rifle at it. The titanotheres raise their fans as it roars again. They stand their ground firmly. Norm and Grace wonder what is about to happen. The thanator looks toward Jake. It begins to approach him.

Jake: What about this one? Run? Don't run? what?

Grace: Run! Definitely run!

Jake takes off running in which he goes behind a tree. The thanator growls and takes a huge leap at him. Instead of its head getting stuck in the tree, it collides with one of the branches. It falls on the ground out cold. Jake approaches it, smiling widely. Norm and Grace go toward him.

Jake: What's the matter, buddy? Did you miss me?

Norm: Jake, don't do anything rash.

Jake: Don't worry, Norm. He's out cold. Look.

Jake pokes the thanator in the side with his rifle in which he gets no response. He repeats his action, this time a little harder. He still doesn't get anything. He hits the thanator roughly. Suddenly, the thanator bolts awake. Jake jumps back in so much fright that he stumbles and falls on his butt. Norm and Grace laugh at him.

Norm: I think he gave you a good scare.

Grace: You looked like you jumped three feet into the air!

Grace jumps into the air with an excited yell. Jake narrows his eyes at her as she lands on the ground.

Jake: (sarcastically) That was so funny that I forgot to laugh, Grace.

Jake and Grace hear raucous laughter. They look to their left to see the thanator licking Norm in the face. Norm looks down at a stick and picks it up.

Norm: You want to play fetch?

The thanator roars in excitement. Norm pulls his arm back and throws the stick as hard as he can. The thanator chases after it as it sails over its head and lands in a bush. It grabs the stick and brings it back to Norm, who throws it again. Jake and Grace shrug their shoulders. The director groans in frustration.

Director: All right! Cut! We need to get thanator back to being fierce!

00000

Outtake #59

Tsu'tey, Jake, and the hunters reach the cave. They come to the ledge in which they see many banshees flying everywhere. They can hear them squawking and chirping. All four of them pant heavily. Neytiri flies Seze toward the cave. She guides her to the ledge, forcing everyone to move back. Jake loses his balance and falls on his side as she jumps off the banshee.

Director: Cut!

Jake stands up while dusting himself off. He hears chuckling and looks toward Tsu'tey with an annoyed expression.

Tsu'tey: It seems you got a little clumsy there, Jake.

Jake: I'm not the only one who's clumsy. You are too.

Tsu'tey: So is Neytiri.

Neytiri: Hey, you two are much clumsier than I am!

Jake: That's what you think, Neytiri.

Tsu'tey: (smiles widely) In fact, why don't you walk toward me without tripping?

Neytiri: (growls) All right, I will!

Neytiri walks toward Tsu'tey with her hands curled into fists. She trips over a bump in the cave floor and lets out a yell as she falls on her stomach. Tsu'tey crosses his arms, winking at her. Neytiri looks up at him, giving him a glare.

Tsu'tey: I knew you'd trip.

Neytiri: (gets up) Why don't you get lost, Tsu'tey?

Tsu'tey: (raises his eye ridges) Only if you go with me.

Jake: Hey, I want her to get lost with me.

Tsu'tey: No way, Jose!

Jake and Tsu'tey blow raspberries at each other. Neytiri joins in on it, as do the hunters. The director slaps his hand over his face.

Director: I swear, I need a vacation!

00000

Outtake #60

Jake watches the video of himself destroying the bulldozer's camera. Quaritch stops it and looks at him. Norm, Grace, and Selfridge are nearby.

Quaritch: You let me down, son.

Quaritch comes down to Jake's level, his face cold and hard. He narrows his eyes at him and tilts his head to the right.

Quaritch: So, you find yourself some local tail and just completely forget what team you're playing for?

Jake stares at Quaritch in much defiance. Grace approaches Selfridge with a pleading expression in her eyes.

Grace: Parker, there's still time to salvage the situation.

Quaritch: Shut your pie hole.

Grace: Or what, Ranger Rick? You going to shoot me?

Quaritch: I can do that.

Grace is about to say her next line when Quaritch's cell phone rings. Quaritch removes it from his belt. He flips it open to put to his ear.

Quaritch: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for Mr. Mooningpeople. First name is Ihaveathingfor.

Quaritch: Just one second. I'll find him.

Quaritch removes the phone from his ear. He looks at Jake, Norm, Grace, and Selfridge, seeing them give him curious looks.

Quaritch: I'm looking for Ihaveathingfor Mooningpeople. Does anyone think Ihaveathingfor Mooningpeople?

Selfridge: I believe you do, Quaritch!

Norm: In fact, why don't you do it right now?

The entire control room breaks into hysterical laughter. Quaritch feels his face turn red with anger and puts the phone back to his ear.

Quaritch: Listen here, you little puke. When I get my hands on you, I'm going to rip off your clothes and make you eat them. Then I will carve my name on your back with a knife!

Quaritch snaps his phone shut and returns it to his belt. He grabs the back of his neck, clearing his throat.

Jake: That guy really likes making prank calls on your phone.

Norm: It's like he has a thing for you.

Quaritch: I don't know about that.

Grace: Oh, come on. He has to. Why else wouldn't he continue to call you?

Quaritch: I'm not sure.

Selfridge: I do know one thing. He'll probably call again soon.

Jake: Maybe you'll catch him that time.

Quaritch: Who knows?

Jake, Norm, Grace, and Selfridge shrug their shoulders. They and Quaritch leave the set.


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Notes: Hi, readers. Here's the sixteenth and final set of "Avatar Outtakes." I'm happy it took only three days to get out. It's been great fun doing these outtakes. I hope I was able to make you laugh throughout all of it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. A special shoutout goes to Tasha Hill and brankel1 who have been continuous reviewers since the fic began. Your support means the world to me.

XXXXX

Outtake #61

In the briefing room, Quaritch faces the mercenaries and miners. Sean chews gum while Lyle remains as still as a statue.

Quaritch: Every one of you on this base, every one of you in here is fighting for survival. That's a fact! An aboriginal horde is out there massing for an attack.

Quaritch turns to the window and presses a button to bring up the screen. A projector comes up and shows satellite pictures of the Tree of Souls.

Quaritch: These orbital images tell me the hostiles' numbers have grown from a few hundred to well over two thousand in one day, and more are coming in. In a week's time, they could grow to over twenty thousand and overrun our base perimeter. Well, that's not going to happen. Our only course of action is a preemptive strike. We'll fight terror with terror.

Suddenly, a belch comes out of nowhere. Everyone looks toward Lyle, who smiles guiltily and holds up his hands.

Lyle: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I had eaten so many tacos for lunch.

Quaritch: (groans) Oh, I can't believe this, Lyle! That's the fifth time you've belched!

Sean: Someone needs to throw away those tacos!

Lyle burps again, but it's much quieter this time. He pats his chest and smacks his lips before taking a deep breath.

Lyle: I'm all right now. I'm sorry.

Sean: (sarcastically) I bet you are.

Lyle: Hey, you belched loud when we had a belching contest earlier today!

Sean: Only because I had a big breakfast!

Lyle: You have such a big mouth that you could fit a train through it!

Sean: No way! Your mouth is a million times bigger than mine!

Lyle: I don't think so.

Sean: I think so.

Lyle and Sean break into a full-blown argument. Quaritch runs his hands over his hair and looks toward another marine.

Quaritch: I'll be right back. I'm going to get some coffee.

Quaritch walks off the set while snapping his fingers. The director rubs his forehead with a heavy sigh.

Director: I think I'm getting a headache.

00000

Outtake #62

Trudy lands _Rogue One_ in a clearing, causing some hexapedes to scatter. Jake gets out immediately and points his rifle upward. Norm, Grace, and Lyle follow him. Grace makes her way toward Trudy.

Grace: Cut it down! We're going to stay a while!

Trudy nods at Grace and turns off the engines. She blows a bubble in her gum. Grace looks toward Norm and whistles at him.

Grace: Norm, your pack!

Norm: Oh, yeah!

Norm goes back inside the Samson to get his pack. He, Jake, and Grace head off into the forest. Lyle attempts to follow, but Grace stops him with her hand.

Grace: Stay with the ship. One idiot with a gun is enough.

Jake smirks to himself and bites his lip. He, Norm, and Grace move further away from the Samson.

Lyle: You're the man, Doc!

Just then, growling comes from out of nowhere. Lyle looks over his shoulder, but he doesn't see anything. Hissing and cackling can be heard. Lyle looks to his left and spots a pack of twenty viperwolves running toward him. He screams in fright and runs away. He passes Norm, Grace, and Jake, waving his arms about. The trio looks at him in confusion.

Grace: What's going on?

Norm: What caused Lyle to run like that?

Jake: I don't know, but—

Jake is cut off at the cackling and sees the viperwolves rapidly approaching. Norm and Grace spot them and whimper in fear. The viperwolves bear their teeth, letting out loud snarls.

Norm: Let's get the hell out of here!

Grace: Great idea, Norm!

Norm, Grace, and Jake run away, screaming their heads off. The viperwolves pursue them, growling in eagerness. The director jumps out of his chair, throwing the script down. The script hits the floor with such force that the pages jump.

Director: All right! Who left the doors to the viperwolf cages open? Whoever did it will be fired!

The chirping of crickets can be heard. The director looks over his shoulder to see his entire crew gone. He scratches his head, wondering where everyone went.

00000

Outtake #63

Quaritch, Selfridge, and several other people stand before the video monitor. Lyle examines the squad that Tsu'tey's war party had killed.

Quaritch: Talk to me, Lyle.

Lyle: (looks down at a soldier) They struck with the banshees first. The angle's steep.

Lyle looks toward the torched AMP suit with the soldier lying beside it. He comes closer to it, making gestures.

Lyle: They set the AMP suit on fire. The driver is toast.

Quaritch: The rest of the squad?

Lyle: (looks toward the camera) Six bodies. That's all of them. The equipment's totaled.

Selfridge is about to say his line when Quaritch's cell phone rings. Quaritch takes it off his belt and puts it to his ear after he opens it.

Quaritch: Hello?

Voice: I'm looking for—

Quaritch hears the sound of an object hitting the floor and breaking on impact. He listens to someone pick it up and looks at the back of the set in the corner of his eye. He recognizes the voice when he catches 'Oh, no. He's going to realize it's me.'

Quaritch: Patel, is that you?

Max: Uh-oh.

Quaritch: (angrily) You've been making prank calls on my cell phone!

Max: (fearfully) It wasn't my idea! It was Selfridge's! He thought it'd be the perfect way to trick you!

Quaritch looks at Selfridge, who shakes his head. He can see the truthfulness in his eyes and turns back to the phone.

Quaritch: I don't think so, Max.

Max: He made me do it! You've got to believe me!

Quaritch: You can beg all you want to, but it won't work. You're getting some payback big time.

Quaritch closes his phone and returns it to his belt. He forms a fist and punches it into his hand while licking his lips.

Quaritch: I have to go take care of some business.

Selfridge: Can I come with you? I need to make Max pay for putting a bucket of water on top of my trailer door and getting me all wet when I went inside to take a nap.

Quaritch: Okay. You can come.

Just then, Lyle ran into the control room. Quaritch and Selfridge approach him, hearing him pant heavily.

Lyle: Don't you leave me out of this. I need to make that geek pay for spiking my tea with hot sauce. My mouth is still burning from that.

Quaritch: You can come with us too, Lyle.

Selfridge: Let's kick some geek butt.

Quaritch, Lyle, and Selfridge go behind the set. Sounds of punching and yelling can be heard. The trio returns, appearing very satisfied.

Quaritch: That got him!

Selfridge: I hope the geek learned a lesson.

Lyle: Me too.

Quaritch, Selfridge, and Lyle give each other high fives before letting out loud cheers. They share a laugh and a wink.

00000

Outtake #64

Jake waits in the briefing room for Quaritch to arrive. He looks very nervous and uncertain. Just then, Quaritch walks in with a confident expression on his face. Jake turns his wheelchair around to glance at him.

Quaritch: You haven't gotten lost in the woods, have you? Your last report was more than two weeks ago.

Quaritch puts his hand on the chair and pulls on it, but it doesn't budge. He tries again, getting the same result. He makes one more attempt and gets nowhere.

Jake: What's wrong with the chair?

Quaritch: It's stuck! I think someone glued it on the table!

Jake: That's what I call a sticky situation!

Quaritch: Shut up and help me get it off!

Jake rolls over to Quaritch's side and grabs the chair. They pull on it very hard. They manage to get it off the table in which it flies out of their hands. The chair goes toward the right end of the room. It hits a marine in the head as he walks in. The marine falls on his back. His arms and legs spread out eagle style, and a goofy smile forms on his face. Jake and Quaritch look at each other.

Jake: Talk about a flying chair.

Quaritch: Yeah. Maybe we could add flying chairs to this movie.

Jake: How about a flying wheelchair?

Quaritch: We could do that too.

Jake: (puts his arms out to the side) Here comes Jake flying in his wheelchair!

Quaritch: (imitates radio static) Get ready for takeoff!

Quaritch runs while pushing Jake out of the room. They imitate a plane taking off and flying into the sky. The director slams his fists on the arm of his chair, screaming in irritation.

Director: That's it! One more mistake, and I quit for good! Cut!

THE END


End file.
